My Big Fat Bat Wedding
by Magdalync
Summary: Sequel to No Price. What happens when the ring goes on and the cuffs come off? Babe series.
1. Yes, Sir!

**Disclaimer:** JE owns all of the characters except for Xander…and I'll be happy to loan him out on request. Sadly, I'm not making any money.

**A/N: **I'd like to thank Alfonsina.d for her amazing Beta prowess. She gets Xander first.

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**Yes, Sir!**

Many couples have fond memories of the precise moment of their engagement and the first few idyllic days that follow. Some couples spend hours in bed cementing the promise. Others spend the first few days after the event on the phone with family or visiting with loved one in order to display the ring and share their happiness. Some couples spend the weekend poring over calendars and palm pilots trying to hammer out a date for the nuptials.

But not me. Ranger and I have been engaged for a little over 24 hours and where am I?

Why, I'm sitting at a bar in a BDSM nightclub, of course.

RangeMan had recently been hired to provide security for a new "lifestyle" club in the bowels of Trenton called Slap-n-Tickle. The club was only open Friday and Saturday nights. The account required two men on the front door, four men on the inside and two on the back of the building. The four on the outside were expected to be "dressed" as were two on the inside. This meant not only were they to present themselves as security in their tight Rangeman shirts, body hugging cargo pants and black military issue shit kickers, but they were also to be armed.

But that leaves two other people on the inside, right? The other two on the inside were acting in the roles of "silent security"; think Air Marshall with a dog collar. Those two should be dressed accordingly to blend with the club patrons. Their job was to mix and mingle and to be alert for undesirable shenanigans. This had me stumped as I thought clubs like these had an "anything goes" type of mentality, but apparently the management frowned upon fornication in the bathrooms (they had rooms you could procure for such activities) and drug dealing on the premises.

So here I sit on my size eight ass in size six ass-crack revealing leather pants, a matching black lace up bustier and…a freaking dog collar (Ranger informed me this signifies that I'm "taken"), sipping a beer and trying to be aware of my surroundings. My only weapons were my ear piece and a wire and a pricey set of cuffs Ranger had gifted me with this afternoon. He'd had 'My Babe' engraved on them. He especially enjoyed hooking each side from belt loop to belt loop so they glittered across my pelvis. I was having a hard time imagining myself doing this every Friday and Saturday night for the unforeseeable future but the only other option was for RangeMan to hire on another female employee. I'd heard rumblings about Jeanne Ellen Burrows at the last staff meeting and I was having none of that. Not that I'm jealous. Much.

I really hope we lose this account.

Tonight, we had Hal and Tank on the front, Bobby and Cal on the back, and Lester and Manny on the inside in "uniform". Ranger was up in the manager's office monitoring the cameras placed around the club and listening in on our wires. We hadn't heard a peep from him yet and we'd already been here an hour. That left me and Xander, our recent Boston transfer, on the inside, as patrons.

Xander looks as if he came off the assembly line as a Dom. I'm guessing his mother had him pierced when he was circumcised and that he had a cat-o-nine-tails as a crib toy. Xander was huge, even by Rangeman standards. He looked to be at least 6'5'' and about 280 pounds of sculpted, sinewy muscle. His complexion was dark, but not as dark as Ranger's. His hair was black, tipped in platinum blond and shaved close to his skull along the sides and the back. He had sharp, masculine features and sensual, sinister pale blue eyes that looked straight through you like he was mentally calculating ways to corrupt you.

He had tribal band tattoos cuffing both of his massive biceps. Both nipples were pierced and connected by a chain. His sculpted chest and abdomen were smooth and devoid of hair. He had a barbell ring in his tongue. Simply put, he scared the crap out of me.

I sat nervously at the end of the bar, scanning the room and listening in on Rangeman chatter through my earpiece.

Hal said, "Jesus, some of these S&M chicks scare the hell out of me."

Manny snorted, "That's the point. They're aroused by your fear. They feed on it. They can smell it."

Lester piped in, "That's not all they can smell."

Hal retorted, "Give me a break. It's like a furnace in here."

Lester said, "You got a flop sweat goin' on, my brother. What's the matter? Scared of the idea of being mastered? Intimidated by raw sexuality? This shit is beautiful. I think I've had a hard-on for a half hour now."

Hal said indignantly, "There's no way I could perform under these circumstances."

Tank piped in, "Not your cup of tea?"

Lester chimed in, "I'm thinking about getting a membership. You think we get a discount?"

Ranger's deep rumble barged in. "Ladies, can we cut back on the chatter?"

I let out a snort.

Apparently the wire picked it up because Ranger said, "Babe, how you doing down there."

My ass was sweating but I didn't really want to share _that _information with the team so I said, "My dog collar is chaffing."

Ranger replied, "You'll get used to it."

I was treated to a huge round of guffaws and snorts from the peanut gallery.

I bit my tongue and scooted away from the bar to head toward the bathroom. Once inside, I turned a faucet on full blast to camouflage my tinkle. Under no circumstances was I to switch off the wire, but a lady needs a little privacy.

As I headed out of the stall I nearly ran into girl coming out of the stall beside mine. She looked like Dominatrix Barbie.

I shut off the water after washing my hands. Just as I turned to leave she called out to me over her shoulder, "Hey sweetie, can you help me out? I need those hands of yours."

Oh, those are words you never want to hear in a public restroom.

I turned back to her to see what she needed. She had her back to the mirror and was attempting to adjust the straps of her silver metallic g-string to peek "coyly" above the low rise of her leathers.

She made a face at me in the mirror and said, "I have to get the strings just right. They need to look symmetrical." Right, so it looks like she's symmetrically unaware that her underwear is on display. Are you kidding me?

I walked over and examined her predicament. I reached over and gingerly tugged up on the left side. She studied the results in the mirror and frowned. "No…see, the left side's too high now and the thong is really cutting into me. Let me just pull down my pants and we'll see if we can't get it right."

At this point, I'd noticed that all RangeMan chatter had ceased. Had my wire cut out?

"Okey dokey!" I used my assigned code word to check in. It seemed a benign enough phrase to use in the presence of the patrons, and when the other guys heard the word, they were to acknowledge that the wire was active and that they were listening.

I heard a gruff round of throat clearing, then, "Check" and "Here."

Ranger spoke last in a bedroom voice. "Babe."

What a bunch of pigs.

At this point, BDSM Barbie was bent over in front of me, and wiggling her ass as she pushed her leathers down her thighs. She "accidentally" stumbled back a little and rubbed her rump against my abdomen.

Well, alrighty then.

She stood back up and readjusted her shiny thong. As I took n the lack of material it occurred to me that Barbie had to have been waxed to within an inch of her life. Yowza!

Xander piped in, "Need some help in there, sexy? I'd be happy to offer my assistance."

Ranger bit out, "Xander, you and me on the mats at 0600 tomorrow."

Xander cleared his throat and said, "Yes, sir."

I heard Tank snickering.

I hadn't moved since I was concentrating on the voices in my ear, and BDSM Barbie interpreted this as consent. She took both of her hands and reached behind herself to clutch my leather clad hips and attempted to grind her ass into my pelvis. Oh, this was so not happening.

I grabbed her hands firmly and placed them back at her sides.

"Um…I don't swing that way."

She swiveled around coquettishly to face me as she slowly tugged her pants back up.

"You sure?"

Again, utter silence from the peanut gallery.

"I'm sure."

"Have you ever been with a woman?"

"Nope."

She eyed my dog collar. "Your Dom doesn't like to share?"

"Uh, no…he's pretty possessive."

Ranger said in a graveled voice, "I could make concessions."

He is so dead. He is so not getting laid for a week. Well, make that four days. Or two. Oh, I'll come up with something.

Barbie looked me up and down and asked, "How do you know you wouldn't like it unless you've tried it?" She stepped closer to me, tossed a hank of hair over her shoulder and winked. "I'll bet I could make sure you liked it."

Bobby piped in, "That's what _I'm_ sayin'!"

"Um…sorry. I'm just not attracted to women."

Barbie turned back to the mirror and smoothed back her bleached hair. "That's too bad."

I heard a round of male sighs and someone said, "Amen".

She caught my eye in the mirror. "Got any blow?"

Huh? Okay…I've seen movies. I think she means cocaine. "Umm, no. I, uh…I don't blow."

I heard Lester snort.

Too late, I realized how that might sound. I waited for Ranger to make some smart-ass quip but he remained wisely silent.

Barbie cocked a perplexed eyebrow at me, shrugged her shoulders and left.

I am so out of my element.

Ranger's steady voice came over my earpiece. "That was a very enlightening conversation, Babe."

"Bite me."

He chuckled softly. "Later. But listen, you handled that fine. In the future, if someone in the club asks for or offers you drugs, its best if you act interested. Ask questions about who you could talk to in order to score."

"I couldn't think! She was hitting on me! She had her pants down and was rubbing her…Ugh!"

"What did she look like?" This, from Cal.

"Like Lita Ford in a silver thong."

Manny asked, "Can you estimate her bra size? More than a handful? Cantaloupes? Tea cup sized?"

Bobby chirped in, "Did she smell good?"

"Why do you people need to know this?!"

Ranger answered, "It's for the report, Babe."

Report, my ass!

I left the ladies room in a huff and headed over to the bar to order a new beer. Club rule #1 for women: If you are forced to leave a drink unattended, never return to said drink; order a new one.

Another couple of hours passed and I wiled away the time avoiding direct eye contact, watching people dry humping in groups of twos and threes on the dance floor and sipping at my luke-warm beer. The crowd had thinned out considerably. I had to assume people were either availing themselves of the private rental play rooms or had "paired up" and were heading home for a night of whip and chain style debauchery. These people should be ashamed of themselves.

Every now and then I would pick up a thread of conversation over the wire. I heard Lester humming idly, "Another One Bites the Dust." Ranger must have mentioned our engagement to the guys at some point today and Lester was trying to get Ranger's goat.

"Shut your pie hole Santos," Ranger snarled.

Lester said, "Don't be that way man. You know I love you."

Bobby cut in, "Hey, bro, when's the wedding?"

Deep sigh from Ranger. "We just got engaged last night. We haven't set the date yet."

Hal chimed in, "I think spring weddings are lovely."

Snorts all around.

Tank said, "Lula wants to get married in N'awlins. We're thinkin' Fat Tuesday."

Lester said, "I can see that. Hey, Bossman…I wouldn't set that date too far out. Don't want to give Beautiful too much wiggle room."

I wanted to scream, "I can hear you, you boneheads," but clearly they had forgotten I was privy to this conversation and I wanted to see where it would go. No grass growin' here!

"Nobody is wiggling anywhere," Ranger said dryly.

Lester said, "Dude, your woman is wily and unpredictable. You can't even get Steph in a safe house when people are trying to kill her. How you going to get her up the aisle?"

"Oh, I'll get her up the aisle."

Manny piped in, "Is that one of those double entendres?"

Lester snickered and said, "Beautiful doesn't strike me as a woman who will 'take it up the isle'."

"Santos! Mats. 0700."

"Oh, come on!"

Dead silence from Ranger.

Lester let out a dejected sigh. "Yes, sir."

"Tank?"

"Yeah, Boss?"

"Best Man?"

"Be an honor."

They were quiet again for a while. I looked at my watch. Only twenty minutes until closing time.

Suddenly Cal spoke up. "Ranger, you given much thought about a bachelor party?"

Ranger was quiet for a moment before he said, "I haven't. I'll have to talk to Stephanie."

Lester said, "And so it begins."

"What the hell is _that _supposed to mean, Santos?"

"You've got to ask your old lady whether or not you have her _permission_ to have a bachelor party? Next thing you know, every other word out of your mouth is going to be "yes, dear." You'll be doing midnight runs for Kotex before the month is out. Mark my words."

"Lester?"

"Yeah, Boss?"

"When did you last get laid?"

"Uh…it's been kind of a slow month for me."

Manny cackled.

"What? I've been working a lot of hours!"

Ranger said, "Would you like to ask me the last time I got laid?"

"Not really."

"First Kotex run is on you, ass wipe."

"Yes, sir."

"Sooooo," Cal said, "About that bachelor party…do you think, if Stephanie approves, we could maybe have it here?

Lester crowed, "Dude! I am so there! Can't you just see it? We could hire some dominatrix chicks to subdue the Boss on the stage! They could strap him to some medieval torture device. Maybe they make you beg for mercy. I wonder if they have twins working here. Do you think if we paid extra, they would give Ranger a little flogger action?"

I cut in with a bold pronouncement. "Nobody flogs Carlos but me!"

I swear if the industrial house music weren't so loud, you could have heard crickets chirp.

"Er…not that I'd ever flog you, Carlos. I …I don't flog." God, I am such a dork.

"Good to know, Babe."

Xander sidled his big, beautiful body up next to me and sat down. He caught the attention of the Amy Winehouse look-alike bartender and indicated he wanted a beer.

He turned to me and our disparity in heights put my eyes at pierced nipple level. I wanted to look away but I couldn't. I was both horrified and mesmerized by the silver horse shoes glinting against the brown discs of his nipples. It was as if he had a nine car pileup happening on his chest; I couldn't turn away.

Noticing my inspection, he asked, "You pierced?"

"Uh…"

He scanned down my body and his eyes rested at my belly. I sucked in.

"I don't see a belly ring."

I looked down to confirm his observation. Nope, still no belly ring.

"You know, belly rings on women are very sexy."

My eye twitched. I'll just bet I know the Cuban who put him up to this.

"So I'm told."

"You know, you can do all sorts of accessorizing with a belly ring."

"Do tell."

"Well, you can get a hoop that comes with interchangeable charms. I can see you with a little pair of handcuffs. Draws the eyes down, if you know what I mean."

"I think Ranger knows where my parts are by now."

He took a sip of his beer and nodded sagely. "You can get a belly chain that loops through it. Ranger seems like a discriminating man. I'm sure he would appreciate that look. I know I would."

This guy is worse than Lester! Doesn't he realize the mics are live? I cut my eyes over to his and saw he had both eyebrows up in an expression of utter innocence. Freakin' Eddie Haskell.

"And," he added, "If your nipples are pierced, you can get a "Y" chain that would hook to the nipple piercings, meet below your sternum and then the rest of the chain drops down in a line to attach to the belly ring. Very hot look."

I think I heard Lester groan.

"Uh-huh."

"Your nipples pierced?"

My tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth. Why wasn't Ranger saying anything? Had he left? Was he at my parents' house as we speak, smoking a cigar with my father?

Had he fallen asleep?

His eyes dropped to my chest as if he were trying to detect any tell-tale lumps beneath the leather bustier.

Lester stated, "She's not."

Ranger bit out, "Excuse me?"

"She's not pierced."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Well she isn't. You of all people should know that."

Ranger replied in a steely voice, "I'm more concerned with the extent of _your_ knowledge, Santos."

"What? Hector called me yesterday telling me your woman called for assistance on 7. He wasn't on the premises so I went."

Oh boy. The bat shit's gonna hit the fan now.

"And at what time was this occurrence?"

Like an idiot, Lester plowed on. "I don't know…maybe 5:30 or 6:00. It was like an hour after Tank went up there."

Lester is such a tool.

"Explain."

"What's to explain? I get up there, Beautiful's all trussed up to the shower rod in all her splendor and glory-"

At this, Xander arched a brow at me and mouthed, "Naughty, naughty."

"Shut it, Santos. I'm talking to Tank."

"Uh…shit," Tank said hesitantly. "Look. It's like this: Bombshell wasn't answering her landline or her cell. We hadn't heard from her all day. I just went up to make sure she was okay."

"And?"

I could just see Ranger sitting at a desk chair gripping the armrests, his knuckles bone white and his brown eyes narrowed furiously.

"Man, if I could un-see it, I would."

"Hey!" That was me jumping into the fray.

"All due respect, Bombshell. I done told you I thought you put together right nice."

"Tank. Mats. 0800."

Deep sigh. "Yes, sir."


	2. A Parallel Universe

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, not making any money.

**Rating: M** for language

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**A/N:** Again, I would like to thank my wonderful Beta, Alfonsina.d. You're the best!

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**A Parallel Universe**

"So it's only going to be your parents, your siblings and their kids, right?"

We were driving to Ranger's parents' house in Newark. Upon hearing of our engagement, they had insisted on bringing the family together for a small dinner celebration.

Keeping his eyes on the road, Ranger responded, "Relax, Babe. Mama said it's just family tonight."

I shifted nervously in my seat. "Probably, I shouldn't drink."

Ranger's lips kicked up slightly on the right side of his face. "We're the guests of honor, Babe. Relax and have fun. You just need to learn some moderation.

Does he even know me?

He grabbed my sweaty hand off my lap and brought it to his lips. "I know you, corazon, and I love all of your excesses."

Stupid ESP

He laid our clasped hands, fingers entwined, on his hard thigh and sighed theatrically. "Just try to control yourself around Marco."

Ass.

OoOoOo

As we turned onto his parents' street, I was stunned to see that there was no parking to be had. Hmm. Maybe one of their neighbors is having a party.

Ranger ended up pulling in to their next door neighbor's empty driveway.

"Won't they mind?"

Ranger just looked at me and arched a brow.

I got out of the car with trepidation. I could hear sexy salsa music and raucous laughter…and it appeared it was coming from the Manoso's back yard.

Oh, boy.

Ranger had taken my hand and had started walking toward the side of the house. I dug in my heels halting his forward momentum.

He stopped and turned to look at me. "Babe?"

I skewered him with my eyes. "I'm not going back there! You said it was only family!"

He closed his eyes a moment, perhaps searching for some inner peace. "Babe, I have a lot of family."

I jerked my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest. I tapped my foot but the effect was lost as I was tapping on sod. And now I think my heel is stuck.

"Babe, please. Let's just go back and enjoy ourselves. You'd have to meet all these people eventually."

I allowed myself to be dragged behind him and followed him through the wooden gate. The backyard had been transformed. Garden torches lining the inner fence were set alight. Colorful lanterns were suspended from the Pergola that covered the large brick patio. Squares of laminated wood appeared to have been snapped together to create a 50x50 foot portable dance floor in the center of the backyard. (Who _doesn't_ have one of those?)

And a menagerie of at least 50 people mingled and danced around the backyard.

"You've got to be kidding me."

Ranger turned to me, still holding my hand and said, "It's not a big deal. They do this at least once a month."

Before I could respond, Ranger's petite mother came bustling over and jerked Ranger's head down for a kiss. She waited until he stood upright again before smacking him upside the back of his head.

"Carlos, you are late!" She made a broad sweeping motion with her arms and said, "All of this is in honor of you and your novia! You disrespect your family by not being on time."

I heard Ranger gnash his teeth together.

His mother took my hands in hers, laid a soft kiss on each cheek and smiled sweetly up at me. "Estefania, you look so lovely tonight." Still holding both of my hands in hers, she studied my ensemble carefully. She then looked up to scrutinize my face, or more accurately my mouth. Too late, I realized that my lips might look a little bee stung. What can I say? We got hung up in the shower. Ranger's all about water conservation.

Ranger's mother let go of my hands and slapped Ranger upside the head once again. Hard.

"Cut it _out_, Ma!"

She made a spitting noise and narrowed her eyes at Ranger. She was a tiny woman but somehow her reproachful demeanor made her appear large and commanding. Ranger seemed to sink in on himself a bit.

"Can't you keep your filthy hands off of her for an hour, no? You should be ashamed of yourself, Carlos! What if you make her pregnant with all this shameful rutting? You'll have to be married in the basement of the church!" She crossed herself.

She turned to me and said conspiratorially, "He's always been like this. Even in high school, when he was living with his abuela, she said he was always sneaking the girls into his room."

Girls, singular or girls plural? Better I don't know.

"Mama, stop," Ranger said.

She went on unheeded, "He thought he was being so sneaky since his abuela is hard of hearing, but those girls could never be quiet. Even without her hearing aids she could hear the moaning and the shrieking-"

"_Mama_," Ranger bit out.

"And then there were all those filthy magazines he had hidden under his mattress. He never hid them very well. Oh, they were so dog eared and worn. Mi Dios, the things I saw in those magazines. Leather, handcuffs, sometimes two and three girls together… In fact there was this one with-"

I didn't get enlightened any further because Ranger had dragged me from his mother and hauled me over to a large grouping of people for introductions.

OoOoOo

An hour later, my tummy was stuffed and I was sitting at a small café table in a darkened corner of the patio holding a delicious Woki. He was asleep in my arms and I was enviously watching Marco and Anissa dancing seductively to a sexy Bolero number. Ranger had pulled a chair up next to me, draped his arm across the back and was idly fingering a curl.

Suddenly, I felt his arm stiffen and a sharp tug on my hair. "You've got to be fucking kidding me," he said under his breath.

I reached up with one hand to untwist my hair from his grasp and looked in the direction he was glaring.

In the dim light across the lawn, I could see there were some late arrivals.

There was a beautiful young woman talking to one of Ranger's aunts. The woman appeared to be in her mid twenties and she looked annoyingly like Salma Hayek. Beside her was a tall, ruggedly lean man whose face was turned away from us. His posture seemed strangely familiar to me. He had his arm draped casually at her back but his palm rested possessively at the top of her shapely bottom.

He turned his head to laugh at something the younger woman said and my breath caught as I saw his face. Oh, shit.

It was Joe Morelli.

Ranger sat up more rigidly and his blank face slid in place. He said in a low voice, "That fucker better get his hand off Sasha's ass."

"Ranger," I hissed, "language!" I shifted Woki to my other shoulder and placed a hand over his little virgin ear.

The woman smiled at something Ranger's aunt said and then appeared to be searching for someone. The older woman pointed in our direction and Sasha's scan stopped when her eyes lit on us.

"Fuck." That was me.

Ranger said, "Language, Babe."

Joe and Sasha meandered their way toward our table pausing here and there to exchange pleasantries with people who stopped and engaged them. They seemed to get hung up with one couple I assumed to be her parents. I think Ranger had introduced them to me as an aunt and uncle.

We were startled out of our trance when we heard the chairs in front of us scraping back against the brick.

Golly gee wiz, what a surprise: it was Lester and Xander. Is there anyone who wasn't invited to the party?

"What the hell are _you_ doing here," I said sharply to Lester.

Xander wandered over to the impromptu bar while Lester leaned over to kiss my cheek. He put his fist out for a knuckle bump from Ranger, but Ranger didn't even acknowledge he was standing there. Lester stood there dumbly for a moment, his fist hanging out in mid air over the table.

Lester arched a brow at me, dropped his lonely fist and sat down in the remaining seat. He shrugged a shoulder at me and said, "I'm kinda sorta related."

I snorted. "To whom?"

Lester leaned back in his chair and was studying the ominous expression on Ranger's face as he answered me. "Ranger's third cousin's aunt married my sister's brother-in-law's-"

I held up my hand to stop him.

Xander returned to the table with a full bottle of Jose Cuervo and four shot glasses. I snagged a glass from his fingers one handed, still clutching Woki to my chest. I put the glass down poured my shot glass full and slammed it. I shuddered. I wonder how many shots it would take before I slipped blissfully into unconsciousness?

Xander arched a pierced black brow at me as he set down the remaining glasses and filled them. Noticing the lack of conversation at the table, he turned toward me and said, "Am I missing something?"

"Morelli's here."

Xander tipped his head to the side and arched his brow further.

"My ex."

"The cop?"

"How do you know about him? You've been in Trenton like a month."

"Your bizarre love triangle is legend across the entire Eastern Seaboard."

I looked at him incredulously.

He winked and said, "I shit you not."

Lester scanned the dimly lit yard until he spotted Joe and let out a long, low whistle.

"Sweet Jesus, tell me he's not here with Sasha."

Xander followed the direction of Xander's gaze and sighed. "I wouldn't mind tapping that."

Ranger let out a low growl.

Lester punched Xander on the shoulder. "Dude. That's Ranger's cousin. She's a school teacher, for fuck's sake."

Xander said, "Good Christ! They didn't build them like that when I was in school. Wouldn't mind her sharpening my pencil."

Lester snorted.

Encouraged, Xander plowed on. "Maybe she could help me out with my dangling participle."

Lester was shaking silently with laughter while keeping a cautious eye on Ranger.

Ranger was clenching and unclenching his jaw while trying to ignore Xander. His eyes remained intensely focused on Sasha and Joe.

Xander screwed up his face in a look of intense consideration. Straight faced, he said "What's her stance of corporal punishment?"

Lester had just downed a shot of tequila and he promptly sprayed some out his nose. He was coughing and sputtering and his eyes were watering from the sting. He was virtually vibrating with laughter and making snicking noises in the back of his throat.

Not knowing when to stop, and clearly not aware of his surroundings (read: Ranger), Xander said huskily, "I wouldn't mind giving her an oral report." He punctuated his comment with lewd tongue waggling, his tongue ring sparkling off the reflection from the lanterns suspended overhead. Had the man been drinking before he got here?

Ranger slowly turned his head towards Xander and said viscously, "Do I need to dislocate your _other_ shoulder, Alexander?"

Xander dropped dejectedly into his seat and said sheepishly, "Shit. No, sir. Sorry, sir."

Lester smirked at me and said nothing as he wiped at his eyes and pretended great concentration on filling my glass with tequila. I suspect he was deliriously happy with the prospect of someone working at RangeMan who would make his smutty banter seem harmless in comparison.

As soon as Ranger turned away, Xander nudged me with his knee…and waggled his tongue at me and winked. I glanced back at Lester who was reaching under the table to do a covert knuckle bump with Xander. I was really glad Lester found a kindred spirit in Xander. Too bad Xander's going to be dead soon.

We watched as Sasha and Joe broke away from the couple they were conversing with. When they got about twenty feet from our table I saw Joe stiffen. I couldn't hear him but even at a distance, it was clear what he said: Fuck.

Ranger stood up to his full height and stiffly pulled Sasha into an embrace, kissed her cheek then tugged her to his side, away from Joe.

They turned to me as one and Ranger said, "Babe, this is my cousin Sasha Gutierrez. Sasha, this is my fiancée, Stephanie Plum.

Sasha gifted me with a beautiful, open smile and tossed her luxurious hair over her shoulder. She flipped her manicured hand in Joe's direct and said, "Carlos, Stephanie, I'd like you to meet-"

"Morelli," Ranger scowled at the other man.

"Manoso." Joe scowled back.

Sasha looked from one to the other, an expression of confusion on her pretty face.

Morelli broke from the mutual visual loathe-fest reluctantly, turned to Sasha and said, "This is _Stephanie_."

His inflection implied that they'd had at least one enlightening conversation about me. Lovely.

"Oh. Ooooooh!" Her eyes bugged momentarily as his implication sunk in. Then she shrugged her shoulders and smirked. "I'm going to get us some drinks. Beer?"

He nodded. She pressed a soft kiss below his ear before she sauntered off. And I mean _sauntered_. When I try to walk like that, people assume I'm having an undergarment crisis or perhaps a feminine itching problem.

We all watched Sasha sashay away towards the bar swinging her hips. I turned to Joe and saw that he appeared hypnotized , watching her ass sway to and fro. Hell, I was hypnotized. If I had an ass like that, I'd walk around naked for the rest of my life.

Ranger growled as he realized where Joe's eyes had settled.

Joe jerked his head to look at Ranger and the two of them resumed boring holes in each others heads using only their eyes. Thankfully, they were interrupted when Marco came to collect Woki. I snagged Marco's almost full beer from him, slammed another shot of tequila and chased it with Marco's beer.

No shudder. I think we're getting somewhere.

From a bystander's perspective, both men appeared to be relaxed. Okay, maybe from a distance…if there were no lights in the backyard and you crossed your eyes…and faced the other way.

Ranger was slouched insolently in his chair, his arm draped once again over the back of mine. Joe had dragged a chair over from another table and had seated himself across from Ranger. He was also sitting back in his chair, legs kicked out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, his hands tucked belligerently into his armpits.

At length, Ranger said, "What the fuck are you doing, Morelli?"

Joe held up both hands in a 'not my fault' gesture and said, "Hey, man. All she told me was we were going to swing by her aunt and uncle's house for some party."

Well, that's more information than I got.

Ranger narrowed his eyes at Joe and said, "Sasha has a boyfriend."

Joe tucked his hands under his arms again, smirked at him and said, "Yeah, well, they're kind of in an off phase."

Huh. Then that's okay. I know all about off phases.

Ranger sat forward in his chair crossed his arms on the table and gave Joe an icy look. "Roberto is a nice man. He's an accountant. He's stable, he has a nice 9-5 job, and he loves her."

Joe sat forward and crossed _his_ arms on the table. "He always gives her crap about teaching at that inner city school. Doesn't think she can take care of herself. He's not very supportive of her dream to help the kids that need it the most."

Lester and Xander appeared to be raptly watching and listening to the verbal thrust and parry.

Ranger hissed, "So you're gonna move in on the guy while they're having problems, just to get a piece of ass?"

Joe leaned back in his chair and boldly held Ranger's glare, "What can I say…we have this chemistry thing goin' on…not that it's any of your business."

Ranger was seething. Joe was smirking. I looked to Lester and Xander and they appeared to be enjoying the show. I had to admit it was better than Jerry Springer.

Xander said, "Shots?"

Great way to break the tension, Xander! Nicely played.

Lester, Xander and I slammed our shots on Xander's count of three.

Ranger and Joe did not partake and instead resumed telepathically ripping each other a new one.

I looked across the lawn and saw that Sasha was holding two beers but had gotten stuck talking to Ranger's grandmother. She appeared to only be listening with half an ear but I could see she kept glancing periodically at Joe with a soft expression on her face.

Well, good for Joe. What the hell is Ranger's problem?

Ranger's mouth twisted. "Sasha is a sweet girl. She and Roberto have talked about marriage. I swear to God, if you lay even one finger on her-"

Joe interrupted, "Too late."

Ranger launched himself out of his chair with a roar, dove across the table. Both men went down on the patio in a blur of flailing arms and fists amid spilled tequila and broken glass.

Huh. Who would have seen that coming?

Several of the younger men from Ranger's family came over and attempted to pull them off of each other to no avail. Marco got clipped and was now bleeding from his nose.

I looked desperately at Lester and Xander but they were still in their chairs, watching the fight with avid interest.

I wailed at Lester, "Would you do something?"

Lester looked over at me, annoyed that I was interrupting his entertainment, waved his hand in dismissal, and said, "I missed the smack down seven months ago. No way am I missing this." He turned back to the show.

"Xander!"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Do something!"

"Oh, come on. They're just letting off a little steam."

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I stomped over to the mass of heaving testosterone. Just before I could grab a hold of anyone, strong tattooed arms grabbed me around my waist to lift me away. Stupid Xander.

Instinctively I kicked my legs out and peddled wildly. I may have sort of clipped Ranger in the chin with my Jimmy Cho's.

Lester hauled Ranger up in a half nelson with his other hand fisting Ranger's ponytail. Marco held Morelli back, but it was a struggle.

Both men were panting and glaring and intermittently spitting blood on the patio. Both sported gashes from rolling over the shards from the shattered tequila bottle.

Sasha came up warily, shot Ranger a dirty look and wrapped her arms around Joe. After a little cajoling, she convinced him to go into the house to clean up.

I looked over at Ranger as he shrugged off Lester's hold. Now that the melee had ended, the crowd disbursed as if nothing had happened.

"What the hell was that?"

Ranger looked at me as if I were an idiot. "She's an only child. She's like a sister to me."

"And?"

Lester and Xander watched the volley of conversation between us.

"He just wants to screw her. She has a boyfriend. He's a good man." He spat blood again and rolled his shoulder.

I crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Are you kidding me?"

Lester pressed a cocktail napkin into Ranger's hand and Ranger dabbed at the blood oozing from his split lip.

"Does it look like I'm kidding?"

"You two looked like a couple of fifth graders rolling around in the schoolyard. The only thing missing was the name calling and wedgies," I said.

Ranger said with pride, "Babe, Morelli could never get a wedgie on me."

"Only because you go commando," I yelled.

A hush fell over the party. Oops.

I grabbed another napkin from a nearby table and walked up next to him. As I began dabbing at the cuts on his arm, I said softly, "Carlos, you and Joe need to come to some sort of understanding. I'm not going to go through this crap every time you two see each other for the next fifty years."

His expression softened slightly as he watched my hands administering to his cuts. "Babe, it's not about you, it's about him. He's being dishonorable. He's poaching."

My busy hand froze. I cut my eyes up to his. "Are we seriously having this discussion?"

He looked at me, clearly perplexed. "What?"

Xander and Lester were pretending industriousness by righting the upended table and picking up glass, but it was clear they were listening. If they were cats, their ears would be rotating backward.

I dropped my hand from his arm, looked up at Ranger and said, "You're a poacher. You're a master poacher. You are a poacher extraordinaire! They could do a two hour exposé of your methods on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

He smirked. "You know you're not allowed to watch animal planet anymore, Babe.

I glared, poked him in the chest and said, "Poacher!"

He grasped my finger and squeezed. "Babe, that was different."

"Oh, really? In what way?"

Ranger crossed his arms over his chest and said confidently, "Look, with us, there was this…chemistry, a connection. I couldn't help myself. I knew you wanted me back. You and Morelli weren't married and-" He stopped.

I arched both brows at him. "And?"

"Shit."

Ranger's mom came bustling up with a bowl of soapy water, a washcloth, Neosporin and band aids.

We both watched as she made 'tsking' noises and set about cleaning Ranger up.

Ranger said in a low voice, "Sorry about that Ma."

He didn't look contrite but she didn't seem to notice.

As she was tending him she turned to me and said, "Estefania, you know…his testosterone, it runs quite high. He is like his papi. Perhaps if you…saw to his needs more frequently we could avoid these situations in the future."

More frequently? Hell, if I saw to his needs more frequently, his thingy would fall off.

Ranger looked up at me and smirked. "My thingy?"

Ass.

* * *

A/N: Hope this makes up for not including the actual smack down in the Maxim series!


	3. Conference Room B

**A/N:** Once again, I'd like to thank Alfonsina.d for continuing to Beta me. She has a great eye, makes wonderful suggestions and encourages me to be just as twisted as I can be! I'd like to thank all of my readers as well. Your wonderful and entertaining reviews have pushed this story so much farther than I thought it would go!

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**Conference Room B**

I had snuck away from my cubicle at 11:45 to come up to our seventh floor apartment for some real lunch. Peanut butter and olives were still verboten in the break room. Didn't make much sense to me. Peanut butter is chock full on protein-y goodness and an olive or ten never hurt anyone. Hmph.

Anywho, I still had another thirty minutes until I needed to get back to work so I decided to assume the thinking position.

I was having a lovely dream which involved me, Ranger and some chocolate sauce when I was jolted awake by the rude bedside phone. I rolled over to grab it, dropped it on the floor twice and eventually got the receiver to my ear.

"What."

Tank's bass voice bellowed through the phone. "Boss called a mandatory meeting. You have five minutes. Conference room B. All hands on deck." I'm not kidding when I tell you a phone literally vibrates when the man talks.

I was about to respond when I heard…

Click!

Well! Surely Ranger doesn't mean for me to come down to a staff meeting with my hair looking like this. Another few minutes isn't going to kill the man.

Twenty minutes later I strolled down the corridor and saw Manny and Zero standing at attention on either side of the double doors of Conference room B. Weird. They were doing that spooky Queen's guard 'no eye contact' thing. I snickered to myself picturing them in tall, black furry hats and red coats.

Still looking straight ahead, Manny narrowed his eyes fractionally but he was staring at the wall across from him. Zero pivoted sideways and opened the door for me.

I wandered in the conference room still chuckling and said, "I don't know what crawled up Manny and Zero's butts, but-"

The door slammed closed behind me. I swung around and saw Tank and Bobby. They were standing in a cross-armed, spread legged stance in front of the doors I had just passed through. They were now blocking my exit.

I looked up at Tank. "What the hell?"

Staring forward, Tank hissed through his teeth, "You're fifteen minutes late. Go sit your ass down before the man implodes."

Slowly, I turned around to search out the man in question. The fabled Ranger implosion is a sight to behold.

It was then that I noticed that the conference room was stuffed to the gills with people. My eyes wandered slowly around the table. Holy crap! Is this a friggin reality show? Had I wandered onto the set of 'This is Your Life', Stephanie Plum edition?

I saw my parents, Ranger's folks, Mary Lou, Lula, Connie, Grandma, Ranger's abuela, Valerie, Lester, Xander, Marco, Anissa, Celia, Sasha and…Joe Morelli? File folders were placed in front of each person seated at the table as well as coffee and soft drinks. Several members of Ranger's core team were also there, leaning insolently against the walls.

I swiveled to face the head of the table where I saw Ranger was standing with an air of absolute authority.

"What the hell?"

"Babe. Nice of you to join us. Have a seat."

I turned to leave but Beavis and Butthead were staunchly guarding the only exit.

"Babe." The tone of his voice very clearly imparted the message, 'don't make me come get you'.

Mental sigh. When that didn't help, I heaved out a real sigh. I turned back around and made my way to the vacant seat to the right of Ranger and plopped down with very obvious aggravation.

Ranger said, "Lester, you may begin."

Lester cleared his throat and said, "Tank, can you hit the lights?"

The room went dark and all eyes were focused on the screen behind Ranger. Apparently, we had all been called here for some sort of power point presentation. Lester began tapping the keys of the laptop in front of him and a title page came up: Operation Nail a Date.

In the darkened room, Ranger's disembodied voice growled, "Lester."

Lester whined, "What? You said I couldn't use 'Operation Up the Aisle'."

"Santos," Ranger barked.

I heard Xander say, "Told you."

Lester said, "Operation Up the Aisle is a good name. You didn't even ask if you could borrow it for your 'plan'." He did air quotes and jerked his head toward me while waggling his eyebrows. "And what's the matter with Operation Nail a Date?"

Xander said, "It's an excellent name. That's why we reserved it for our Friday night excursions at Slap-N-Tickle."

Lester shrugged, clicked a few keys and a new title page came up: Operation Pin the Stephanie Down. Lester said, "I'm especially proud of this one on account of the acronym. You know, it's the same as post traumatic stress-"

I leaned around Lula and smacked Lester upside the head. That felt nice.

I said, "I don't like the operation name."

Ranger sighed. "Babe, that's not what's important."

I narrowed my eyes at Ranger and said crisply, "Explain."

I think I heard Morelli snort.

"Babe. We've been engaged to be married almost three months now. You seem to be unable to set the date."

"I've been busy! Do we have to do this now?"

Ranger leveled a dark look at me. "You're wearing my ring, Babe. Do you want to get married or not?"

What? "What? Of course I do!"

The entire room let out a collective breath. I felt the breeze.

Ranger coldly said, "This decade?"

Did he think that I was just stringing him along? I looked around the table and nobody would meet my eyes. Joe cleared his throat. What the hell was he doing here? He cocked a sardonic brow at me and that's when it hit me; Ranger thought my procrastination on setting a date for our wedding was the same kind of procrastination I put Joe through regarding a commitment.

My eyes swung back to Ranger. "Carlos, you have to know I want to marry you."

Grandma piped in, "You're a pip! You grab on to that excellent package with both hands!"

Several people snorted. Mrs. Manoso and Grandma Rosa crossed themselves. Mr. Manoso smiled proudly. Guess he takes credit for Ranger's excellent package. I really did _not_ want to go there.

My mother dug through her handbag, discretely brought out a silver flask, unscrewed the cap and added a splash to her coffee. She offered some to my father but he silently declined.

Looking back at Ranger, I said, "We've discussed dates in the past, and whenever we think we've found a good date, one of our friends or family has a conflict."

Ranger inclined his head once. "This is why I have assembled this team. No one leaves this room until we have a wedding date _etched in stone_." He said those last words with his hot, black eyes boring into mine.

Lula leaned into me and murmured in my ear, "Mmm-hmm! He bein' all authoritative and shit. It's kinda turnin' me on. He like that in bed?"

Lester leaned into the table and extended his pen to Xander. "Dude, you should be taking notes." He jerked his head in the direction of Ranger's alpha display. "It might just improve your game…your sad, tiny little excuse of a game."

Xander puffed up confidently. "There is _nothing _sad, tiny or little about my 'game'.

Ranger bellowed out, "Enough!" I swear the walls shook.

Lula, Valerie and Mary Lou all started fanning themselves with their folders. Connie crossed, uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. Then she fanned herself.

I have to admit, Ranger's alpha displays were not wasted on me. I was as susceptible as the next girl when he was acting possessive, domineering and so in control. As long as he didn't cross the line and pee a literal circle around me, it was all good.

After taking a silent moment to collect himself Ranger said, "Moving on. Lester, bring up the 2009 calendar page."

A year at a glance page appeared on the large screen.

Connie asked, "Why is most of the month of April blacked out?"

Lester replied, "Spring break."

I turned to look at Lester. "Rangeman closes for spring break?"

Xander answered, "Georgia, and Florida colleges typically schedule their spring breaks the week prior to Easter. Alabama and North Carolina do the week after. We've got Vince researching North Carolina's schedule so as soon as that intel comes back, one of those weeks might end up being free after all. We'll let you know ASAP."

I looked at Xander incredulously, "And this affects me how?"

Lester said, "Beautiful, I've been hoarding my vacation days for the last four years. Xander worked a sweet deal into his contract. Our plan of action is Panama City for the first week, Cancun for the second and then we round out our tour of duty in Mazatlan."

Xander nodded smugly. "Mazatlan has a _much_ lower drinking age and those honeys are _way_ less inhibited."

Sigh.

Ranger said, "Everybody mark the month of April off of their calendar." Ranger is nothing, if not accommodating.

People flipped their folders open and started marking and scratching.

Ranger turned to me. "Any dates or months as a whole that don't work for you, Babe?"

I studied the page before me. "January's out. Its right after Christmas so I think that would be too stressful for everyone."

More marking and scratching.

Ranger said, "February?"

"Too obvious."

"March?"

"Too cold."

"May?" Each time he spat out a month, his tone was becoming more and more irritated.

"Hmmm. Maybe."

Joe spoke up, "You can't do the second Saturday in May."

"Why, you can't make it?" I turned to Ranger. "Second Saturday in May it is, Batman."

Once I had realized there was a possibility that Sasha might be bringing Joe to our wedding, I had been trying to figure out the logistics of the wedding reception. Do you put a cock fight after the father/bride dance and before the cutting of the cake?

I closed my folder and went to stand. Ranger leaned over and pressed my shoulder gently but firmly to keep me from rising.

He looked up at Joe and said, "Morelli?"

Joe shrugged a shoulder and said, "Policeman's ball."

"And?"

"Two thirds of the TPD will want to go to the wedding. We'll end up having a poor turnout for the ball. That function is the department's single biggest fundraiser. This year, we were planning on replacing the entire departments Kevlar vests with the proceeds."

Ranger nodded thoughtfully. "Fine. Second Saturday in May is out." As an afterthought, Ranger added, "Whatever the fundraiser's final total is, RangeMan will match it."

Damn Ranger and his stupid morals.

Tank cleared his throat. "Uh, sir, Lula and I will be on our honeymoon the first Saturday in May."

I turned to Tank. "I thought you guys were getting married on Fat Tuesday. That's in February."

Lula smiled saucily and said, "Yeah, but I booked us into one of them 'Hedonism' couples resorts. There was a wait list to get the room with all the equipment and the glass wall."

Glass wall? "Huh?"

She leaned in and said, "You know…in case anyone wants to watch."

"Watch what?"

Lula winked. "Me and Tankie."

Oh God! Mental image. Must…stab…pencil…into…brain!

I saw my mother take a healthy swig directly from her flask with a shaky hand. I looked to my father. He appeared to be studying his file, but upon closer inspection, I realized he was asleep.

I looked back to Ranger. He was sharing an admiring smirk with Tank. I cleared my throat pointedly. Ranger looked back at me and arched a brow in question while giving me a wolf grin. I know where his filthy mind is going.

"No. Nuh-uh."

"Babe," he asked innocently.

"I already told you where I want to go on our honeymoon."

"Babe. We are not going to the Wisconsin Dells."

"There are indoor water slides! And fatty foods! It's an unbeatable combination!"

Ranger looked away. "Moving on. Anyone have a problem with June?"

Mrs. Manoso raised her hand. Ranger sighed and said, "Yes, Mama?"

She twisted her hands nervously and smiled a secret smile. "Your sister Antonia is expecting a baby that month."

Ranger bellowed, "Jesus H. Christ! Do I need to have a talk with Mason, _again_? They already have five!"

Anissa shifted uncomfortably in her seat and shared a look with Marco. Marco cleared his throat and said to Ranger, "Uh, I guess July is out as well. Joaquin will be getting a new brother or sister that month."

Ranger's mom let out a little squeal.

Until now, Ranger's father had been silent. Not silent in the way my father is silent, as though he'd rather be driving aimlessly in his cab, far, far away from my grandmother. Ranger's father was silent in that observant, stealthy way that Ranger can be silent.

Have I mentioned that Ranger's dad is hot? Subtract about twenty pounds of bulk and add silver hair and a few weathered lines around his eyes and you have Ricardo Manoso Sr. If Ranger ages that well I'll be riding him like Zorro well into my seventies.

Mr. Manoso leveled a serious look at Ranger. With a thick Cuban accent he said, "When are you planning on doing your duty, son?"

Ranger stiffened and locked eyes with his father. "Sir?"

"We need more Manoso boys to carry on the family name." His father looked over at me as if he were inspecting a broodmare. When his eyes came up to mine he winked.

He looked back at Ranger. "It should be no hardship, Carlos. She is a beautiful woman and I'm sure she is fertile. Just look at those hips. If you give her no breaks for the first couple of months-"

"Hey! I'm right here! Can we get back on task, please?!"

Ranger broke from the glare he was leveling at his father. "So does anyone have an issue with August through December?"

I said, "Let's cross out November and December. I don't want a holiday wedding. And cross out August. I married the Dick in August."

Joe said, "No holiday wedding? What about Halloween, Stephanie?"

My mom took another nip.

Mary Lou was studying her calendar and said, "Halloween is on a Saturday next year, Steph."

I looked at Ranger excitedly. Both of his eyebrows were raised almost to his hairline. I believe he thought I was joking.

I bounced in my seat and clapped my hands. "Can we?"

Ranger's brows settled back into regular position, his eyes softened and he gave me a tender smile. "Is that what you want, Babe?"

I looked around the table and noticed that everyone, including the various RangeMen sentries, was staring at Ranger as though they were witnessing the second coming of Christ. I guess they've never seen Ranger's 'dopey in love' expression.

"I want."

Ranger snapped his face back into military coolness as he addressed the room. "All in favor?"

There was a resounding chorus of "ayes".

"All opposed?"

Silence.

"Plum/Manoso nuptials are to be October 31, 2009. Tank, the lights," Ranger said.

Tank turned the lights back on and people started to rise from their seats.

Suddenly, Lester said, "What about Aunt Flow?"

Ranger barked out a laugh and Xander smirked.

My mother plunked back into her chair looking confused. "Stephanie doesn't have an Aunt named Florence."

Mrs. Manoso exchanged a perplexed look with my mom. "Neither does Carlos."

I'm sure I must have looked equally confused because Lula leaned over and whispered, "Aunt Dot? Arts and crafts week at panty camp?"

"Huh?"

Lester leaned in. "Code red? Crimson Tide?"

Xander leaned over from across the table. "Rebooting the ovarian operating system?"

"What?"

Lula hissed, "Aunt Flow, white girl! Your monthly friend! Jesus!"

Oh. Oh! I looked around the table with panic and embarrassment. The elders seemed to be expecting some sort of explanation. "Uh…um, Aunt Flow is… uh, kind of an _honorary_ Aunt."

Ranger said in a low voice, "You won't let _me_ honor her."

I smacked Ranger in the arm.

Lester said, "You might want to do some calculations then, Beautiful. Aunt Flow could really put a _damper_ on your wedding night."

Mrs. Manoso, still not understanding said, "I'm sure you won't want this respected woman to miss the wedding."

Xander said, "All due respect, Ma'am, she's a mess."

Ranger nodded sagely. "She can shut a party down pretty fast."

Joe nodded emphatically in agreement. Sasha elbowed him in the gut.

My equally oblivious mother said, "I'm sure she's not that bad. We can just work around her."

Ranger shook his head sadly. "Not going to happen. I've tried."

Ranger pulled his PDA out of one of his cargo pockets, pulled out the stylus and started taping at the screen.

I hissed, "What are you doing?!"

"I have a chart."

Of my menstrual cycle?

Joe looked admiringly at Ranger and said, "Pretty smart, man."

Ranger smirked and nodded at Joe. Sasha elbowed Joe again.

Ranger smiled down at the screen, then lifted his head and locked eyes with me. "We're clear…for now." Ranger looked up and around the room, and it was clear he was about to say something and he was trying to find the perfect phrasing. "Babe, you'll need to make sure Aunt Flow is _consistent_ with taking her _special_ medication so we can keep her…under control."

I stood up, stomped over to Ranger and hissed in his ear, "You are _so_ cut off!"

Ranger tapped at the screen of his PDA once again, bringing up the current month.

He smiled once again at the screen, unsurprised. "Is that you talking Babe, or is it Aunt Flow?"


	4. Pre Cana

**Disclaimer: **I'm not making any money from this endeavor and all the characters belong to JE…except for Xander, and though he scares me, he's all mine!

**Rating: M**

**A/N: **Thanks, as always to my wonderful Beta, Alf who always asks the questions inquiring minds want to know! I also want to thank my readers who have waited patiently while my muse was off playing with Lester and Xander at the Slap-N-Tickle.

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**Pre Cana**

Ranger and I were sharing a quiet evening at home. I was lounging across our king sized bed, eating popcorn and watching Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Ranger was sitting at the desk in the corner of our room, his dedicated 'home office' space, attempting to analyze end of quarter reports and budgeting for bonuses.

Ranger had already asked me to turn down the TV twice. Apparently, it is difficult for him to get into his "zone" while a cinematic masterpiece is being honored in the same room.

I turned up the volume at a key moment in the movie.

**Pee-wee Herman**: Look, Dottie, I like you. _Like!_ I _like_ you!

**Dottie**: Yes, I like you, too--

**Pee-wee Herman**: _[shouts]_ Dottie! _[calm voice]_There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you _shouldn't_ understand.

**Dottie**: I don't understand.

**Pee-wee Herman**: You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

I turned to Ranger to see if he caught the significance. He was glaring at me, one eyebrow arched.

"Could you turn that down, Babe?"

I smirked at him. "Did you watch this movie when you were a child? Did this movie inspire your lone wolf stance?"

"Babe, please don't ever compare me to that…that spastic, man-child, porn house pole-jacking fruit. It won't end well for either of us."

I turned the volume back down with a sigh. Ranger has no sense of humor. I sat up and grabbed the file I had left sitting on my nightstand.

Ranger and I had decided pretty quickly after we had set our wedding date that neither of us is interested in a traditional, big production church wedding. I had had my farce of a wedding with Dickey and I am not interest in repeating it. Ranger's marriage was a small affair in his church but he didn't feel he was missing out on anything and said he only wanted what I wanted.

I remember a lot about the hoops Dickey and I had to jump through in order to be married in the Catholic Church. We had to come up with valid documentation that we had each been baptized and confirmed Catholic even though we were getting married in the same church those rites were performed. It seems the Pope is big on paper work. We each had to take an extremely long survey on how we felt on marital hot-button topics. Too bad there wasn't a question about how Dickey felt about refraining from boinking Joyce Barnhardt on my dining room table. Could have saved me some time.

Then we had to do evening sessions with a deacon from our parrish to compare and contrast our survey responses. After that, we did a delightful two day "Pre Cana" seminar at the Archdiocese Center. That was delightful. It was shocking to see so many twenty-something couples arguing over the Church's stance on birth control so passionately, as if they thought the Pope would pop out of a closet and say, "You're right! The Rhythm Method IS birth control! It does separate that act of love with the possibility of a child. I've changed my mind! Here are some condoms."

The one thing that I thought had made sense from the whole production was the pre-marital survey. It makes sense to me that before a couple plans on committing to a life-long partnership, they should discuss their different views on a myriad of topics in order to be prepared for concepts that might cause them difficulty in their wedded future. It's all about communication.

Don't laugh! I know that I am the queen of denial and that I'm not the most forthcoming person to deal with. I also know that Ranger believes that most communication should be handled with pointed looks, a few well placed words and actions. (Look… another car! I love you!) But I really want this relationship to 'work'. We're talking the rest of our lives 'work'. I want Ranger to be the man that WD-40's the axles on my wheelchair. I want to be the woman who changes his Depends. Okay, we'll hire somebody to do that, but you know what I mean.

With half an eye on the TV screen, I flipped open my file and began studying the sample survey questions I had pulled off of the internet yesterday. This didn't have to be formal. Ranger wasn't big on talking so I needed to make this seem like mindless chit-chat.

I looked up and saw that Ranger was eyeing me skeptically while I pretended a mild interest in my file. He said, "Just killing time until Large Marge shows up?"

"Hah! So you have seen the movie!"

He gave me a deadly glare then returned to studying his monitor screen.

Nonchalantly, I said, "Would you say that I have some habits you dislike?"

Still tapping away at his keyboard, Ranger frowned and said, "Babe." The inflection of the word led me to believe that I was either annoying him or he thought it was a stupid question.

I pressed on. "You know, like the way I roll my eyes or eat Tastykakes all the time."

"Babe."

"Because what really annoys me is the way you just say 'Babe' so that you don't really have to answer the question."

He heaved out a sigh and sat back in his chair. "I'm…_not happy_ with the fact that you're asking inane questions while I'm trying to work."

"So would you consider _that_ a habit that you dislike?"

"Babe."

Uhn!

I waited a few minutes to deflect any suspicion away from myself. At length I said, "Do you feel we have issues that never seem to get resolved?"

Big sigh from Ranger. "Babe, what the hell are we doing?"

"Um…nothing. I was just wondering."

"Do I need to come over there and help you wear off some…excess energy? Because I really need to get this finished tonight," he said, while flipping his hand at the screen. Then he stood up and started unbuckling his belt.

"What the hell are you doing?"

He froze and arched a brow at me. "You want to do it over here?"

"No!"

He started to make his way around the desk and then toward me and I sputtered, "Just…just sit back down and do your work! I'll stop talking."

He re-buckled his belt, nodded once and sat once again behind the desk.

I let another ten minutes pass before I offered the next question. "Would you say we have different styles of spending and saving?"

Ranger leaned his elbows on the desk, brought both of his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes before looking up at me. "Are you kidding?"

"Um…no?"

"Babe, you spend every penny you make. Before we combined our accounts, you had a 237 dollar nest egg."

"So what you're saying is…"

"It's not a problem for me. Unless you can figure out a way to spend my entire retirement account, sell all the buildings I own at a loss and make it so I can't cover operating expenses, we're good."

Does he have any idea how much damage I can do at Macy's?

"Babe, give me that file."

"Huh?"

He extended his arm, palm out and gave me his "that's an order!" glare.

I solemnly stood from the bed and shuffled over to the desk. He snagged the file before I could blink.

He opened the file and started flipping through the pages. "Babe, we need to work on your interrogation skills. If you want me to do a premarital survey, you should have just asked."

I had nothing to say to that.

"Isn't this supposed to open up lines of communication?"

"Uh, yeah."

"But you couldn't ask me to do a survey?"

"You're a little scary."

His eyes narrowed when he found a question he liked. "Do you sometimes feel pressured to participate in activities your partner enjoys?"

Oh, hell yes!

He smirked at me and said, "Explain."

Shit. I said that out loud.

"Well…there's the running."

He nodded, indicating I should continue.

"And, um, the salad eating."

"I'm not hearing any deal breakers."

"Well, when we're, you know…intimate…"

He simply raised both brows.

"You always try to push the envelope."

"Babe, that's not an envelope I'm trying to push."

Uhn!

"And then there's the way you want me to talk about things…while we're doing them. Like we need some sort of running commentary of our…activities!"

"Babe, you were the only one talking last night."

"But it's your fault! You're like this…Svengali of dirty talk! I've been brain washed!"

He chuckled. "Anything else?"

"No."

He looked back down at the survey and smiled. Looking back up at me, he said, "Are you happy with the amount of affection you receive?"

"Yes. No!"

He looked perplexed. "Which is it? I don't think a day goes by that I'm not touching you or kissing you at every possible moment. You need more?"

"That's not what I mean."

"Explain."

"It's the other stuff."

"What other stuff?"

"The sex!"

He looked faintly surprised by my answer. "I'm not giving you enough sex?"

"I have too much! It's not normal! Something has to be wrong with you. You know, it's perfectly healthy to take matters into your own hands from time to time!"

"I do."

"Are you kidding me?"

"You said yourself, it's perfectly healthy."

I sputtered, "It's not that! It's just…we do it all the time!"

"I'd like to do it more."

"But we do it almost every single day!"

He chuckled. "Not every single day…but that would be nice. And is there a rule we can't do it twice in a day? Three times?"

Oh, boy.

Ranger flipped through several pages of the survey slowly shaking his head. "Babe, these are general questions designed to facilitate conversations between your average couple."

I snorted at that. "So, we're not the average couple?"

Ranger cut his eyes to me, "Not even close Babe." He glanced down at the page before him. "There's a whole section here about running the household. Who will prepare the meals? Who will do the shopping? Who will do the cooking? Do either of us have a problem scrubbing the toilet?"

"I do!"

Ranger smirked. "Babe, we have a housekeeper."

Ranger glanced back at the file. "And there's a whole section about expectations of one another. Do either of us have a problem with the other's career? Do either of us have a desire to change one another?"

I sat upright from my slouched position on the edge of the bed and beamed. "See! We're perfect for each other!"

Ranger chuckled, slouched back in his chair and tossed the closed file on the edge of his desk. "Babe, I agree that we are perfect for one another, but that's not the purpose of the survey."

"Hmmm. But I think we passed. I mean, almost every question on there is something that we've discussed or dealt with in the four years we've known each other."

"Babe, I don't think this is really a pass or fail thing. But I agree that the issues listed here are mostly things we've already faced."

Mental sigh. "But I really think there must be something that could be a hot button topic for us. There must be some other survey designed for a couple like us."

Ranger smirked. "You mean like a Bonnie and Clyde questionnaire?"

I was thinking more along the lines of Ren and Stimpy, but I digress.

"Would you like for us to come up with our own questioniarre?"

I shook my head. "The questions would be biased. Maybe we could ask our friends to come up with some questions."

"Babe, you're high."

"Just listen to me! They know us the best and have seen us from the outside looking in. They won't pull any punches."

Ranger shook his head slowly, opened up outlook on his computer and started typing an e mail. "Who would you like to include for a female perspective on questions?"

"Mary Lou, Lula and Connie and Granny Mazur."

Ranger cringed. When he figured I wasn't kidding, he nodded and reluctantly typed in their addresses. "I'm including Tank, Bobby, Lester and Xander."

"Do you have to include Lester and Xander?"

"Are you willing to drop Lula and Granny?"

"Touché."

* * *

Modified Pre Cana Survey for Bossman

Do you feel safe in your dwelling? Have you discussed the possibility of installing security cameras, say, in your living room, bedroom and bathroom?

_Fuck off, Santos. We're not providing you a free show just because you're stuck on monitor duty for the next month._

If you have killed to protect your significant other, does that give you a pass for forgetting birthdays or anniversaries?

_I don't forget anything. And I don't know what you're talking about._

Have you made arrangements should you predecease your spouse? You wouldn't want her to be alone forever would you? Name three men you would approve to bed your crestfallen widow.

_None of you ass wipes is coming near my widowed Babe._

Why does the onus of the great toilet seat debate always fall on men?

_Excellent question, but I'm getting laid far too often to mount a strong offense regarding my stance on this issue._

Exactly how many cars do you think you should be required to provide for your significant other?

_It is my job to provide for my Babe's every need. I'm planning to provide for some needs she doesn't even know she has yet. She'll give in. Eventually._

Say your woman go on a pastry binge and her ass fall off the deep end. Will you still give her yo hot man-lovin' and not complain about her getting all jiggly and shit?

_My babe will always be sexy to me. And where exactly are we talking about her __getting jiggly? Breast and ass jiggle can be very…appetizing._

Marriage can become monotonous if either party is not open to new experiences. Is your partner open to new experiences? Would she be interested in you getting your tongue pierced? If you're in doubt as to whether she'd like what it can do for her, I'd be happy to offer a demonstration. You can watch.

_Xander, you're on Grandma Mazur duty for the next six weeks. And I'm docking your pay for having impure thoughts about my Babe and being too stupid to tell me about it. And if there were going to be a third party in our bedroom, it would be somebody with breasts._

This isn't really a marriage question. I think you two will have a pip of a marriage. I just want to know if you're a grower or a show-er. Your package looks excellent in those nice pants you wear, but I only see you when you're all 'relaxed'. If that thing doubles in size, my grandbaby might need reconstructive surgery before too long. Heh, heh. Too long! Get it?

_No comment._

Did you guys ever 'do it' when Steph and Joe were on a break? I would. I mean, if I weren't married to Lenny. And if I could overcome my panic attack and not pass out.

_I'm flattered_. _No comment._

Do you have any regrets you wish to share?

_I regret sending her back to the cop. I regret several stupid things I've said to her in the past. I regret every thing I've ever done that has hurt my Babe and I plan on spending the rest of my life making it up to her. _

* * *

**Modified Pre Cana Survey for Bombshell**

Give and take, in equal portions are very important in a marriage. (That sound so professional an shit!) Most importantly, what he willing to give? Do that man provide "full service" when he tryin' to get jiggy wit you?

_Ranger is a very giving man. In fact, he is often trying to give me things that I believe are anatomically impossible. Forgive me if I don't use this question to 'open the lines' of communication with Carlos. He hasn't brought it up in the last week. Maybe he's forgotten._

If your significant other has killed for you and/or has been willing to die for you, don't you think that should earn him the right to explore ALL of your body? How can you know you won't enjoy it if you won't give it a try?

_You e mailed this to yourself, didn't you, Ranger? Now I'm not going to do your favorite thing for you for at least a week. What a shame._

Do you feel secure in your own home? Wouldn't you feel safer if there were security cameras in your apartment?

_I don't know which one of you freaks is asking the question but I found the nanny cam someone left in the corner of our room next to my Buzz Lightyear action figure and my jumbo sized stuffed Sponge Bob and I am not amused._

Have you made arrangements should your spouse predecease you? You have your Hungarian hormones to think about. Would you choose Lester or Xander to fulfill your womanly needs in your time of mourning and sorrow? If you can't decide, we're open to a ménage type of arrangement. No guy touching. But if you're in to guy touching, we might be willing to take one for the team…so to speak.

_Good to know. I can't even imagine finding a man who could ever replace Ranger…but should this come to pass, you two will be the last to know. On a side note, I'm cutting and pasting question this question and e mailing it to my entire distribution list. Guy touching?! You two are such team players!_

Why does the onus of the great toilet seat debate always fall on men?

_Why do women always have to sleep on the wet spot? Why do men always change what they're doing when you're almost there, then you lose whatever ground you have made towards Doomsday, and then you have to start over with the whole production? Why must men contort women's bodies in positions which ensure our stomach will pooch, our breasts will be in our armpits or our ankles need to be near our ears? Why do men get sexier with age and women just age? Why does childbirth have to hurt? Why does God blame Eve for tempting Adam with the apple? Couldn't Adam just say no? Oh, right. He's a man! And periods. Don't even get me started on periods. Uhn! _

Say Ranger get hisself a gut. Maybe some love handles and some ear hair. Would you still do him?

_ROTFLMFAO! Hell no! Well…maybe with the lights off._

Marriage can be very monotonous if either party is not open to new experiences. Are you open to new experiences? Are you a submissive? Dominant? I'm a switch so I can go either way.

_Xander, do you think about anything else? Will your contract be up any time soon?_

Did you guys ever do it when you and Joe were on a break? I would. I soooo would. No offense, Steph, but if you weren't hittin' that when Joe was temporarily out of the picture, you'd need to have your head examined.

_What do you think?_

Often in a marriage, one partner is more assertive than the other. Does this come in to play in your relationship? Is Ranger as authoritative and demanding in bed as he is in other aspects of his life? Does he toss you around like a play toy? Has he mastered you? Do you get spanked when you're naughty? Do you have special outfits and restraints for when you're really, really naughty?

_No comment. What's wrong with you people?_

Do you have any regrets you wish to share?

_I regret thinking this modified survey was a good idea. Stupid survey._


	5. Jolly Joe

**A/N:**Since everyone seems to be enjoying Lester and Xander's antics so much, I decided to allow them their own chapter. Consider it a commercial break. I promise to redirect the focus of my attention back to Steph and Ranger next chapter.

Special thanks to Alfonsina.d for being a terrific beta, for her help with brainstorming this chapter and for providing 'research' material. (Ahem!) Also, thanks to Alf and Vicki for some clever 'mission' name suggestions. You guys are a riot.

* * *

**Jolly Joe**

**Lester's POV**

"I am a genius."

Xander disrespectfully snorted at my decree.

It only took two hours of my time and an obscene amount of money, but I have managed to thwart and counteract Ranger's clever mechanizations to ensure Xander and I are never scheduled to work a stakeout together. My plan was brilliant. Some might even say diabolical. All I had to do was figure out when Xander was scheduled next, then go down the duty roster and pay off Manny, Zero, Ram and Cal to call in sick. Oh, lookie there…Lester is next in line on the duty roster! Shwing! And it didn't hurt that the Bossman was in Miami. Okay, so technically the evening would end at a financial loss for me (my colleagues are a bunch of mercenary bastards), but Xander and I had a lot of planning to get done before _Operation Magic Johnson_ (otherwise known as spring break 2009).

I pulled my laptop out of my bag in the backseat, opened it, powered up and opened my strategy spreadsheet.

"Alright, dude, there are some things we need to go over." I glanced over at Xander and saw that he was actually watching the house. Idiot. Can he not multitask?

"Man, shouldn't you put that away? I'm still in my probationary period. Vacation pay will kind of be a moot point if the Bossman fires me. Or if I'm dead."

"Pffft. Don't be such a puss. We only have five months until spring break and there are some serious issues we need to go over."

Xander broke from his intense concentration on the house and glanced over at my laptop screen. "Operation Magic Johnson? That's the best name you could come up with?"

"I suppose you could do better?"

"Operation Pussy Galore."

"Dude."

"What? It's a movie character. How bout we make it a plan instead of an operation. I'm thinking, 'The Wham, Bam, Next in Line,' plan."

"That blows."

"And Operation Magic Johnson is so great? How about Operation Petticoat Junction?"

"Your vagina's showing."

"Operation Pipe in my Pocket?"

"Negative."

"Operation No Muff Too Tuff?"

I let out an exaggerated sigh. "Look, let's just call this a working title. Can we get on with this?"

Xander shook his head and studied the house once again. "Fine."

"Are you pouting?"

"Fuck off. My lower lip is just sensually full and the piercing simply enhances that."

Jesus. What a princess. "Whatever. Okay. One of our biggest concerns should be should be mandatory ID checks."

"Quite frankly, I don't give a shit what their names are. All I care is that she has a pretty face, a bodacious set of ta-tas and an ass I can grab on to," Xander said.

"I'm talking about statutory rape, you idiot. We do not tap anything under the age of eighteen."

Xander shot me an incredulous sideways look. "That goes without saying, man."

"Well, just because a chick has an ID that says she's 18 doesn't necessarily mean she's 18. And I can assure you Ranger would let our asses rot in jail if we got arrested for that shit."

"He's such a prude."

I nodded sagely. "Look, the best plan I can come up with at this point that is that we take the time to really chat with the girl in question and try to trip her up. I've done a little research about what teenaged chicks are into and I found two key things: Twilight and High School Musical."

"Fuck that! I've seen previews for that movie. I ain't watching some Disney shit movie where the guys have plucked eyebrows and look like they're wearing make up. And is everyone in that movie wearing freaky day-glow blue contact lenses? It's disturbing. It's like Children of the Corn disturbing. Plus, I hate movies where people where people spontaneously break into song."

"Sounds like you've seen the movie."

"Nu-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"Your mama."

"Dude, my mama is Ranger's aunt." Sort of. "Sure you want to go there?"

"You're an ass-pipe."

"Clever. Since you're familiar with High School Queersical, we just need to bone up on Twilight."

"Heh, heh. You said 'bone-up'."

Sigh.

I reached back into my duffle and grabbed my previously read paperback copy of Twilight, pulled it out, and tossed it to Xander who caught it on the fly. "I'm going to warn you…there isn't any sex in it. In order to get through it, I had to switch back and forth between that and Penthouse forum. I recommend using the October issue. Lots of fetish stories in that one."

Xander gave me a pained expression. "Didn't this book just get made into a movie?"

"Alexander, my man, you are not going to want to enter a theater with that many prepubescent girls. You wouldn't be able to even hear the movie over the shrieking and crying. We have to be smart about this. Just read the fucking book and commit it to memory. If we are approached by chicks that look even remotely too young, we talk about the queer movie and this Twilight crap. If they know what the hell we're talking about, we abort. Withdraw troops. Got me?"

Xander tossed the book on the floor and sighed. "Fine."

"Okay, next item on our agenda is physical preparation."

Xander waggled his dark brows up and down. "Dude, I'm in supreme condition. I don't need any additional training to please the ladies."

I cut my eyes to him and hissed, "There has been no precedence for a mission objective of this caliber or duration. We can't go into this half-cocked!"

Xander snorted, "That's what HE said!"

Fuck. Am I this annoying? I mean, I really like the guy; he's a mighty wing-man, but Jesus, he's got the sense of humor of a fifteen year old. I'd like to think my sense of humor is more refined…like that of a lecherous seventy year old man…who was career Navy.

I looked back to my spread sheet and started reading off our training regimen. "Alright, whatever you are doing for upper body strength, I want you to triple it. I'm working in some extra back and ab work as well. I suggest you do the same."

"Dude, I got you." Xander then proceeded to lift up his shirt and examine his own abdomen. "I gotta say, the ladies sure do like to map _this_ work of art with their tongues."

I gave a non-committal grunt. I have an eight pack myself but I don't feel the need to admire myself constantly like _some people_.

Still gazing at himself in awe and wonder, Xander asked, "Do you think I should wax my happy trail?"

What? "What?"

"You know, my happy trail. My trail of silky black hair that leads straight down to my mighty sword. The stairway to heaven. My garden path. Check it out."

I'm pretty sure he was pointing at his…gag…happy trail, but I refused to look. "Dude, I don't give a shit what you do with your pube extension."

Xander dropped his shirt and stared pensively at the house. "Well, some ladies find it sexy…you know, it draws the eyes down to the package." He puffed out his chest. "Not that the package doesn't speak for itself."

Christ.

"But, you know, I've considered waxing it. But then, do I just wax the happy trail? I already 'trim the hedges', if you know what I mean, but should I go for a complete overhaul?"

I arched my brows at him. "Complete overhaul?"

"A Bro-zilian."

"Why the hell would you want to do that?"

"You know, I figured since it's so much easier to do _my_ best work around a Brazilian, I could do my part and make it more pleasant for the ladies when they reciprocate."

I shuddered at the thought of the procedure. "That would hurt like a mo-fo, dude."

He shrugged. "It's all for the ladies. Besides, you know I like a little pain. Maybe I could get Stephanie to do it."

"Man, there's only one package that woman is interested in attending and I can assure you it ain't yours."

"And why is that? I mean, what's Ranger have that I don't have?"

"About two more inches in length and three in circumference."

Xander shot a glance at his own cargo clad package with a stupefied expression, and then glanced back at me with mocking doubt on his face. "That's impossible. Nobody is that well endowed."

"If thinking that helps you sleep at night..."

"When the hell have you seen it at its fullest potential?"

"Dude, I grew up with the guy. We were in boot camp together. We've done missions and taken leave together."

"And…"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and closed the laptop. In a low voice, I said, "Look, what I'm about to tell you is classified."

"All right."

"Well…Ranger wasn't always such a prude. He, uh, may or may not have been in the same room as me when we were both getting soundly laid."

"Dude, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. But I never checked out the other guy's junk."

Sigh. "Okay. I may, or may not have shared the same chick with Ranger."

Xander's eyes lit up. "Like one after the other?"

"Mmm."

"At the same time?!"

"Dude, why is that so hard to believe? You and I have shared chicks."

"Yeah, but this is the Bossman. He just seems so…discrete and possessive."

I laughed wryly. "My brother, this was way before he met the Bombshell."

We both thought about that for a while.

At length, Xander said, "She must be amazing in bed to rein a guy like Ranger in."

"Probably. She had that cop, Morelli, wrapped around her little finger for years and he was quite the lothario before they hooked up. I can't see him fighting Ranger for her if she wasn't a little wildcat in bed. But, you know, there's a lot more to the Bombshell than her sex appeal."

"Buddy, you don't have to tell me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to nail her, but she's…she's a great woman. The total package." Xander shook his head ruefully. "Fuckin' Ranger."

The conversation is getting a little too introspective for my taste so I decided to show Xander my latest acquisition. I twisted back to put my laptop away in the duffle and pulled out the Jolly Joe.

"So I was thinking that if we were going to bring our own condoms on this little escapade, we would have to bring a whole other suitcase just for that purpose. And since you're already bringing an extra suitcase for your light bondage implements and such and I'm bringing one for the video and audio equipment, I needed to figure out a way to lighten the load."

.I went to offer the Jolly Joe to Xander and he eyed the dildo looking turquoise device suspiciously. "What the fuck is that?"

I held it before me with the honor it deserves and said, "This is innovative German engineering, my man. No need to worry about finding those 'extra, extra large' condoms anymore and no need to worry about slippage."

"What the fuck is that?"

"This, my good friend is a spray-on condom device. You just insert your proud soldier in this end," indicating this with three fingers, "Then depress this button here." I depressed the button and a hissing sound filled the car.

I waited for the recommended amount of time and then withdrew my fingers. "Viola!"

Xander's eyebrows were arched nearly to his hairline as he took in my now turquoise condom covered fingers.

He went to grab for my fingers to check out the finished product. "Nu-uh-uh. It takes two to three minutes for the latex to vulcanize."

"As in, live long and prosper?"

Sigh.

I tossed the Jolly Joe to him and said, "Mine's in black. We're not sharing. I don't want to stick my junk where you stick your junk."

"Dude, I'm pretty sure that's not what you were saying when we were with Karina last night."

"That's completely different."

I eyed my surroundings for a moment. I do take my job somewhat seriously. I jolted when I heard the tell-tale sounds of a zipper. I glanced over to see Xander hauling his prized pierced possession out of his pants.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"What? I'm giving Jolly Joe here a test drive." He held himself in one hand and was turning the can this way and that looking for instructions. Finding none, he shrugged and started to shake the can.

"Dude, we're on a stake out. I think you've crossed the line of acceptable anti-boredom activities and behavior."

"Whatever. Look, you need to stop talking. I have to concentrate so I can get my soldier to salute."

"Well at least put your junk in the tube already. I don't need to be looking at that shit."

Xander went to adjust things and then paused. I turned to look out my side window and thunked my head on the glass. "What now?"

"Should I take out my piercing?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

"I'll just take it out." Silence, then, "Here."

I turned to look at Xander and he was holding out his…uh, dick ring.

"I'm not holding that shit for you". I shuddered. "Put it in the cup holder."

I heard the titanium horse shoe ring drop in the center console cup holder. I wondered momentarily what had possessed the man to get a Prince Albert. The procedure had to hurt, but from what I've witnessed, the chicks really seemed to dig it. I guess it "stimulated" just the right spots. Hmmm. Perhaps if _I_ had a Prince Albert piercing done, it would leave my hands free for other things. Maybe he's on to something.

More silence. "This isn't working," Xander said.

"It works. I just showed you it works. Just depress that button I showed you and it will spray your tool like wax in a carwash."

He sighed. "No. I mean, I can't sit in a car next to you with a metal tube on my dick and get a woody."

"That's probably a good thing."

"Just turn up the radio or something."

I turned the key in the ignition one click to give the battery some juice. Melissa Ethridge came on.

Xander said flatly, "That's not gonna help."

I changed the station. Perfect. Muskrat Love!

"Dude, I'm shrinking."

Xander leaned over and pushed the tuner himself with his free hand. K.D. Lang. "What the hell? Is this lesbian awareness week and nobody told me?"

With a sigh, I changed the station once again. Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax.

Xander bit out, "Just turn the fucking thing off. I give up."

I looked over at Xander and he seemed really disappointed, dejected. I guess I should be glad he's really, uh, embracing this new technology. A compassionate voice in my head told me he was my friend and I should really help the guy out. _Christ_. Not that way!

I had an epiphany. I flipped up the center console compartment and pulled out my iPod, then hooked it up to the Explorer's stereo system. I scrolled through until I found my selection. In a moment, the SUV was saturated with sexy, wet kissing noises, low male growls and the sultry protracted moans of a woman on the verge of ecstasy.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Xander drop his head back against the head rest as he sighed, still clutching his tube. That didn't sound right. You know, the Jolly Joe. Fuck. You know what I mean. I _wasn't_ looking!

From the surround sound of the high-end speakers, we were inundated with feminine sighs, random sucking noises and panting. "_Mmmmm. Yeah. Pant, pant. Oooooh. God. Right there…mmm."_

Xander ground out, "Fuck, that's _hot_."

It was. I took a moment to adjust myself.

Suddenly I heard the tell-tale hiss of the magical love-glove maker. Xander was in business. I reached over to pull out the iPod adapter when Xander said, "Is that like audio porn? You need to leave it on for another two minutes until the latex dries."

Fuck. In another minute or two, he would hear-

"_Mmmm...Ranger_."

Three things happened simultaneously. Xander jerked his head upright when he realized we were listening to a recording of Stephanie and Ranger. He also unconsciously pulled off the Jolly Joe device to rest his arm (still holding said device) on the ledge of his window, exposing himself in all of his turquoise glory. At the same time, we heard the unmistakable sound of a Glock tapping at the driver's side window.

I dropped my hand to my weapon and brought it up to the window to aim it at…Tank.

Shit.

Shaking my head, I holstered my weapon and depressed the power window button to lower it. Of course, at that time, Steph's voice cut through the jacked up speakers whispering seductively, "_Please, Ranger_," then Ranger's voice saying, _"Babe…the mic is live."_

Xander chose that moment to lean over and yank the iPod from the adapter, thus drawing attention to himself. I watched as Tank's steely glare went from me, to the iPod and then down to Xander's package still waving proudly in the wind like a dolphin performing at Sea World.

Tank shot his hand decisively through the window, palm up. Xander had to think a second, as if Tank might actually want to check out his home-made condom.

"The iPod, you dumb ass," I hissed.

Xander leaned over and dropped the iPod in Tank's beefy palm and we both watched as he pocketed it.

Tank barked out to Xander, "Cover your shit up, soldier."

Xander scrambled to tuck and cover (not to be confused with duck and cover) and winced as he zipped himself back into some semblance of decency.

Tank brought his cold eyes back to me. "Santos. There is a reason you two are not allowed to work together. How did the duty roster get so fucked up?"

"Uh…there's this bug going around…"

"Shut it! I don't give a shit what kind of reindeer games you two get up to on your own time, but this lover's lane crap don't cut it when you're on RangeMan's dime."

What? He didn't think…"What? No! It's not like that, Dude. I mean, sir. He just wanted to try-"

Tank locked his jaw and narrowed his eyes at me. "I don't want to hear it. Now explain to me how you have audio of the Boss and Ms. Plum?"

"Uh…"

"Explain!"

"Fuck! All right! I may have spliced together all the pre distraction audio we had...over the last four years." I said the last part under my breath.

"Because?"

Duh! "Did you hear it?!"

Tank stood upright and stepped slightly away from the window, folding his arms over his massive chest.

He looked at us both pensively while shaking his head. "I'm not gonna give the Boss details about tonight, but I am calling in a replacement team to cover _this _assignment immediately.

Phew. That's not so bad. Tank's cool.

"You," Tank pointed at Xander with his large, brown index finger, "are reassigned to Atlanta for the next eight weeks."

I saw Xander's shoulders slump in defeat. Sucks to be Xander!

"And you," Tank brought that meaty digit to my face, "are reassigned to Boston for the next eight weeks."

Well, that's not so bad. I know some sweet little babies in Bean town.

"And you are both under house arrest. You will not leave RangeMan premises and you will not be allowed visitors. If you two love birds want to coo at each other over the phone or via e mail and text, be my guest. But you will only do it during your off time. If you break any of this policy, you will not only lose your job but you will be forfeiting a favorable reference. Understood?"

"Yes, sir."

"Yes, sir."

Tank started to walk away when I called after him. "Hey Tank! What made you think to check on us?" I mean, what have I got to lose?

Tank turned and smirked. "Got a tip."

"From who?"

"Stephanie."

"What?"

"Your Explorer is bugged."

"Because?"

"You have to ask?"

"And Stephanie…"

"Is on monitor duty tonight."

"But you said you wouldn't tell Ranger! Come on man!"

"Santos, I'm guessing I won't _need_ to tell Ranger. I'm guessing he already knows."

Tank turned and climbed back into his truck. I swiveled around and dug my laptop back out of my bag.

"Genius, my ass," Xander growled under his breath.

"Hey, most geniuses aren't recognized or acknowledged until after they're dead."

Xander appeared to consider my insight for a moment, then said, "When does Ranger return from Miami?"

"Friday."

"You'll be a genius by Saturday."


	6. The Rules

**A/N:** I'd like to thank the comedic goddess Cinbru for her thought provoking review. She definitely got my wheels spinning for this chapter! Thanks as always to the amazing Alf, my wonderful beta, who gently coaxes me (snort!) to write, write, and write some more. You're the best!

**Warning:** The second half of this chapter is, er, a bit smutty. If that offends, please skip. If that floats your boat…enjoy!

**The Rules**

Ranger's POV

I stalked off of the mat ignoring Xander's moaning and Lester's dry heaves. Pussies. I don't have time for this shit. I just got back from Miami an hour ago and Stephanie is waiting upstairs for me to collect her and take her to Macy's to register for the wedding. I fail to see why we need to register ten months in advance but I'm not about to argue with the bride to be. I've never been accused of being a stupid man.

After the gluttonous scanner orgy at Macy's, we are expected at her parents' house for dinner. I'll admit it. I did give a passing thought while holstering my side arm this morning about using it to shoot myself in the foot, but I'm guessing that would really piss my babe off. Also, maiming myself in order to avoid bridal gift registry and Plum Hell seems somewhat unmanly. These two idiots picked the wrong week to fuck with my world.

I made my way barefoot across the cold concrete gymnasium floor over to the bench and picked up the two of the towels I had brought in with me. I walked them back over to the edge of the mat and tossed them in the general direction of the writhing, bleeding heaps better known as Lester and Xander. A little blood on the mats _can_ be motivating, but anything in excess of a few teaspoons might get OSHA called in. What can I say? I run a clean operation.

I turned again, sat down on the bench to pull on my socks and began lacing up my boots.

"Ranger, man, I think you knocked my front tooth almost completely out. It's like hanging on by a thread here."

Without looking up from the task of lacing my boots, I responded, "Did I give you permission to speak Santos?"

Lester mumbled, "No, sir."

As I laced my other boot, I said, "Alexander, do you have any complaints you would like to lodge at this time? Ribs a little tender? Nose a touch achy? Need a Tylenol? Some tea perhaps?"

From behind the blood sodden towel Xander was holding to his face, he said, "I'm good, sir. Thank you, sir" He then snuffled pitifully.

Smart boy. Perhaps Xander is trainable after all.

I stood and crossed over to the edge of the mat, crossed my arms behind my back and began slowly pacing up and down the border. I made sure both men could still see me without having to move from their prone positions. As if they could.

I paced up and down the length of the mat at least dozen times without speaking. Finally, I said, "I appreciate that both of you agreed to meet with me here to _spar_ on your day off. That shows courage. Now I'd like to see what we've learned from this experience. Would either of you like to venture a guess as to what this _demonstration_ was about?"

Oddly, neither Lester nor Xander spoke. The world must have stopped rotating on its axis because I believe this is the first time I have ever witnessed Lester and Xander in the same room with them both rendered mute. My day was looking up. I did notice, however, that Xander rolled to his side and curled into a modified fetal position.

"Xander, I'm interested in hearing your best guess as to why I bloodied your nose and subjected you to repeated body slams."

Xander rolled to face my direction and stared respectfully at my boots. He huffed out a sigh and said, "Uh…because we were fucking around on a stake out?"

Lester muttered under his breath, "Don't say it like _that_, you idiot. You make us sound like _homos_. Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that."

"What was that Santos," I clipped out.

Lester said, "Uh, Ranger…sir, I think he meant to say that this morning's demonstration was to make clear that we are to be focused on our target at all times and to not get distracted with other pursuits."

I nodded as I furrowed my brow, as if I were actually considering the explanation.

"Hmmm. Is that what you meant to say, Xander?"

Xander nodded his head fractionally.

"Yes, Xander, that was part of it. I also felt you needed to be reminded that while I have no control over your thoughts, I would highly recommend you abstain from voicing your desire to 'Nail Stephanie' while you are on the clock and being paid wages out of my pocket while sitting in an automobile owned by me. It's a respect thing. I'm sure you see where I'm coming from."

I dropped into a squat over Xander and tilted my head to the side. Xander was curled up clutching the drenched towel to his face like a baby with his blanket. Think Linus meets Texas Chain Saw Massacre. I sensed he was barely suppressing the urge to suck his thumb. He nodded morosely.

"I can't hear you, Xander."

"Sir. Yes, sir," was the barely audible reply from beneath the crimson towel.

"I still didn't quite get that."

"Sir, yes, sir! FUCK!" Xander's enthusiastic response must have disturbed the clotting process a bit as his left nostril was gushing once again.

"Sit up soldier," I barked. "Tip your head forward and pinch firmly at the bridge."

I stood up once again and texted Bobby that he needed to get down here to attend the men. I was certain nothing was broken except perhaps their pride, but it was best to be sure. Okay, so I hadn't really meant to knock Lester's tooth loose but I swear if you had seen the smirk on his face when we started, you'd have done the same thing. Oh, I'll pay his dental bill, give me a frickin' break.

I started my pacing again, making them wait, increasing their anxiety. "Lester. I was a little harder on you. Gonna be a little difficult picking up the ladies missing one of your front teeth. Your testicles may not descend before Christmas. Any thoughts as to why our spar was a bit more intense than your buddy Xander's?"

I turned to see that Lester was now curled in on himself with his back touching Xander's.

Male bonding at its finest.

"Uh…yeah," he said grudgingly. "Probably I shouldn't have uploaded that, uh, audio of you and Bomber. Probably I should have deleted it within the recommended time outlined in the RangeMan manual section 14, subsection C, which states that any and all surveillance-"

"Enough!" What a fucking brown-noser.

I resumed my pacing; arms once again crossed behind my back and kept my eyes focused on the middle distance in front of me. Couldn't give them the impression that they were worthy of my gaze.

"Santos, you and I have known each other for quite a long time, have we not?"

Lester mumbled, "Yes, sir."

"And in that time, have we not gone over certain…rules, for lack of a better term, when it comes to our dealings with the fairer sex?"

I ventured a covert glance at Lester and saw that his dull gaze on my boots had sharpened slightly with the realization of where this was going.

"_Fuck_. Yes, sir."

"Shall we review those rules now, Santos?"

Lester rolled to his other side and shuddered out a sigh. "Shit. You've been retired from the game for over four years. I didn't think the rules applied to you anymore."

I stepped onto the mat, nudged Xander out of my way and stood behind Lester's inert form. I placed my steel toed shit-kicker on the back of his shoulder and pressed him firmly into the mat face down. I let up on the pressure slightly when I heard air whistling out of his throat.

"Care to rethink that?"

"Fuck! I think you just punctured my lung, dude!"

"You have another. Besides, I never went near your ribs." I lifted my foot and used the heel of my boot to turn him over onto his back.

I stepped back off of the mat and resumed my pacing. "The rules, Santos?"

"Shit. Fine. Rule one: Never leave a man behind. If your buddy is being molested and/or stalked by an undesirable woman, you will do everything in your power to extract your comrade from certain death. Conversely, 'never leave a man behind' also means that you are responsible for the well being of your wing-man. Never hook up with a chick whose best friend is a total dog."

"You're forgetting the caveat to that rule, Santos."

"Christ. Exception 1A: Ranger is nobody's wing-man."

Xander injected, "Why the hell not?"

I arched my brow at Xander. "You mean other than the fact that I'm out of the game?"

Xander blew out a breath. "Yes, sir. What you said, sir."

"Care to enlighten your girlfriend, Santos?"

Lester rolled back to face Xander with a look of incredulousness etching his face. "Dude, _look_ at him. If you're at a bar with The Great Manoso, no chick is going to pick you first."

Xander nodded grudgingly, and then said, "But even _back in the day_?"

"Man, Carlos had a little harem even back in elementary school. Word on the street was he hooked up with our student teacher in the sixth grade. Now that I think of it, that was the year we started coming up with the rules."

Xander glanced up at me with a small amount of grudging respect and said, "Dude."

I nodded once acknowledging his admiration. It's good to be me.

"Carry on, Santos."

"Rule two: Always get confirmation on all visual reconnaissance."

"What the fuck does that mean," Xander asked.

In a bored tone, Lester responded, "It's the Beer Goggle Rule. If a chick is in to you and she looks to good to be true, she probably is. Always have a buddy check her over for you if you're drunk. If she has a pretty face but her body is iffy, you can take her home. If she has a rockin' body but her face is plain, you can take her home. If she's the only female available to you and her face and body are sub par, don't take her home; just take her to your car. An alley is also acceptable but a lookout is recommended if you go that route."

"What if she has a killer face and a rockin' body," Xander asked.

"That's when you need visual confirmation from a comrade. Chances are, if a chick looks _that_ hot, you have on your beer goggles, my friend: if she's really that smokin', she's going after Ranger."

"That shit ain't right," Xander whined.

Lester nodded in agreement. "Just be glad you didn't live here five years ago. Once Bombshell came on the scene, a whole new world opened up for us lesser mortals."

"But still-"

Lester cut in, "I feel you, man, but Ranger invoked the Highlander Rule way back in 1990."

"The Highlander Rule?" Xander asked, clearly confused.

"There can be only one," I intoned in my best Christopher Lambert voice.

"Or what?"

Lester piped in, "Haven't you seen the movie? Death. Decapitation. It doesn't matter, it never came up. If _he_ was out with us, chicks looked at us like we were lepers…covered in shit. We were the pity fucks. We were permanent wing-men. It blew chunks."

"Rule three, Santos?"

"Rule three: No glove, no love. Subsection A: You never go into battle without protective gear. Subsection A1: Only use your own gear. Subsection A2: The Pill, The Patch and The Ring are not considered effective gear. Assume user error. Subsection A3: If the fuse has already been lit, step back and reassess methods of diffusion. Hand jobs are acceptable. Blow jobs are preferable. If subsection A3 is enacted, reciprocation is the only honorable thing to do."

"Fuckin'-A," said Xander.

"Rule four," Lester continued, "Always prime your rifle before going into battle. If you know with absolute certainty that you will be getting laid that evening, you need to choke the chicken so you don't go off 'half cocked' too early in the evening's festivities. Also, priming your rifle clears the mind. You wouldn't want to take aim at an unintended target simply because you have an itchy trigger finger."

"Santos," I interrupted, "I think that rule is common knowledge. We came up with that one in high school. Let's get to the reason for our little match here: Rule five."

Lester heaved out a sigh. "Rule five: The Vegas Rule, as in, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Lester, still lying prostrate on the mat craned his head towards me and looked up beseechingly. "But Dude, that happened over ten years ago."

"There's no statute of limitations on that rule Santos."

Lester tested the looseness of his tooth with his tongue, and then said, "Clearly." He thought for a moment, and then added, "I don't see what the big deal is. You two know each other very intimately and it seems like Bombshell wouldn't be too shocked to hear that you engaged in a little ménage action back in the day."

"Not _that_ kind of ménage," I bit out.

Lester screwed up his brow, "What? It's not like there was any guy touching. Accidental bumping, perhaps, but nothing with intent."

"That's not the point, Santos. The point is it now looks to Stephanie like I have kept something from her."

"How is that my fault?"

I gave him my patented pants-shitting death glare.

Lester succumbed. "It's my fault. Do you want me to talk to her?"

I sighed, then pulled out my cell phone to see what the fuck was taking Bobby so long to get down here. "I don't want you anywhere near Stephanie for the time being. Santos, your flight for Boston leaves at 1100 tonight. Xander, your flight for Atlanta leaves at 0430 tomorrow."

Xander whined, "They didn't have any flights during the day?"

I smirked at the men as I unscrambled the security monitors. "They did."

OoOoOoO

I'll admit I did try to talk Steph out of registering for the wedding. It's not like I couldn't buy her everything her heart desires. But she explained to me that our friends and family (and a few skips, hookers, stoners plus the entire Trenton Police Department, Fire Department and a few Homeland Security agents) would want to share in our day in the traditional way by giving us gifts to start our new life together. Makes sense. I am already getting an education on the art of compromise, and believe me, it has not been easy.

Stephanie has assured me that her father would be offended if I offered to pay for the wedding, even though it is her second marriage. We have had a discussion regarding the wedding budget with her father and have come to the agreement that five thousand dollars is what we are all comfortable with. What Stephanie does not know is that I am having all the invoices sent to me and I will be paying any additional costs out of my pocket. I want no expense spared for my Babe and I have no intention of bruising her father's pride. I'm not lying to her. When she found a Vera Wang dress in a catalog, I told her I would take care of ordering it, that I had connections. If she were to ask me what the dress costs, I would be forced to tell her. She'd only asked if we're still on budget. We are; I just haven't told her exactly which budget I'm referring to.

Nevertheless, I survived my indoctrination into Macy's registry hell with no visible scars. I'm sure the twitching of my left eyelid will resolve itself over time. I did notice Steph was a bit aloof today, but I chalked that up to her intense retail focus. She thinks she doesn't have a 'zone'; I beg to differ. If I could only get her as comfortable with her gun as she is with a computerized registry scanner, my life would be much easier.

I was lying in bed, waiting for Steph to emerge from her bath. I had been out of town for nearly a week and I was looking forward to ruining my Babe six ways to Sunday. I had tried to ruin her on the dining room table when I returned from the gym but she told me we needed to leave for Macy's in thirty minutes and that I needed to take a shower.

That was my first indication that she might be a little pissed about the Lester/Xander stakeout discussion she had overheard while monitoring those ass-wipes. She almost never turns me down. However, she never brought the issue up the entire time we were at Macy's. What? You think I should have brought it up? Are you insane?

I tried to ruin her again when we returned from our Macy's pilgrimage but she said she wanted to take a bath "to get in the mood". To get in the mood? All I have to do is look at her to get her in the mood. Or withhold sugar. My ESP was screaming, "Abort, Abort! Get out while you can, soldier!" I chose, however to ignore that message as I've had a hard-on for about three hours.

Steph stepped out of the bathroom clad only in a towel. Her hair was still wet and loose ringlets were dripping beads of water down her shoulders and back. One curl had angled across the upper swell of her breast and I felt myself harden even more as I watched a large bead of water roll with agonizing slowness down the valley between her breasts.

She crossed the room, stopped at the edge of the bed and cast a knowing glance toward my sheet covered groin, smirking at the tent I was pitching. Christ. She has all of the power.

After dropping her towel, she climbed onto the bed, jerked down the sheet and straddled me.

I'm trainable; we've been here before. From the evil glint in her eye, I knew that this time, Steph would be in control. I hardened impossibly more when I thought perhaps I would be receiving some sort of punishment for the follies of my youth. Bring it on.

Without further ado, Stephanie impaled herself on me and I hissed out a shocked breath while trying to control my impulse to come immediately. She started to raise her hips with purpose and I grasped her ass to halt her movement. She narrowed her eyes at me, glanced meaningfully at my hands and their restrictive hold, glanced back at me and asked the silent question with her eyes, 'Do you mind?'

"Babe, what about foreplay?"

She grasped my wrists and wrenched them off of her ass cheeks and I allowed her to pin my hands against the bed above my head.

"Don't need it. Besides, we have to be at my parents' house by six."

With that, she began a slow, torturous pace, grinding her pubic bone against me. Her movements were restricted and I was getting a little frustrated that I wasn't getting any deep thrusts in. Either she was trying to prolong my pleasure or she was using my body for her own selfish purposes. No matter. It still felt good. If this was how my Babe intended to punish me for my lie of omission, so be it. I can deal.

Suddenly, Stephanie leaned completely forward and halted all movement. Her neck was right at mouth level so I sucked some skin in my mouth to mark her. She shuddered slightly. Encouraged, I angled my hips and attempted to thrust up within her. She hissed in my ear, "Hold still."

"Babe?"

"Hold still. Lester is just getting into position."

My hands came up of their own volition, grasped her shoulders and pushed her upright so that I could look into her eyes through the veil of red rage shrouding my vision.

"What. The. Fuck."

She batted her eyes coyly at me and said, "What? I may never have done this before but I'm assuming it would be easier for Lester to, uhh, er…enter me if I'm leaning forward."

I knew my eyes had shifted from the velvet black of passion to the fathomless black of certain death. Not for Stephanie, for Lester. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but once I get to the bottom of this, I assure you, dismemberment will be involved. I'm thinking I was far too gentle with Santos this morning.

I closed my eyes and attempted to center myself. Not working. Strangely, my dick was still hard but I was chalking that up to the surge of adrenaline coursing through me. It had nothing to do with the devious smirk Steph was now gracing me with. Or the way she was clenching me with her internal muscles. Damn her.

"Explain," I hissed.

Stephanie did a sultry swivel with her hips attempting to distract me. It wasn't working. Much.

"Unlike you, I never sowed my wild oats in my youth." She dropped her hand behind her back and began caressing my balls. I was intermittently furious and proud. My Babe was ruthless.

"Babe, not to be crude, but you were no virgin when I met you." I then bit the inside of my cheek to offset the diabolical things she was doing with only the light scraping of her fingernails.

She swiveled again as she raised her hands to cup her own breasts. "No, I wasn't. But I never experimented like you did. I never even made out with a girl in college."

"If that's what you feel you're missing, we could arrange-"

"No. That's not what I feel like I'm missing. The only fantasy I was ever curious about was to be made love to by two men."

"That's not going to happen, Babe. You're mine. No sharing."

She rose up on her knees until I almost came out of her body completely. "I know that Carlos. But I think it's only fair that we equal the playing field…with fantasy Lester."

With that, she impaled herself on me once again while digging her nails into my chest. Sweet Jesus, this was blackmail. Horrible, wonderful, testicle draining blackmail, but blackmail nonetheless. I did omit the truth from my Babe. But this…this goes against everything I believe in. How can she ask this of me? Then again, I love my Babe. Was this really so much to ask?

She must have seen the acquiescence in my eyes, because her blue eyes went hot, so intense they nearly glowed and she lowered herself once again so that we were chest to chest. Once again she said, "Be still."

I waited for about thirty seconds wondering just how God damned long it took fantasy Lester to violate my Babe's…God, I couldn't even think it.

"Babe, why does fantasy Lester get to play back there when I don't?"

"Jealous?"

I said nothing. Eventually Steph started to move in the way I assumed she imagined a woman would move while being taken by two men. I thought about correcting her movements but thought better of it. One, no need to drive home the fact that I had done this before. Two, I wanted fantasy Santos out of my bed, like, yesterday. Right now, I hate Lester Santos.

I mostly blocked out Steph moaning Lester's name repeatedly and her accolades about his over large equipment. I know the score; this is all part of the punishment. This wasn't real. I was the only man in her bed now and I would be the only man in her bed for the duration.

I even played along, asked her if he felt good, shit like that. I'm not really sure how I managed not to vomit.

I leaned up and kissed her passionately, hoping I could make her let go of the stupid fantasy and end my torture. For a moment, I thought it was working. She pulled away from the kiss and whispered, "No more kisses. Xander is here now and he says my mouth belongs to him."

That's it. Game over. I flipped Stephanie over and proceeded to show her exactly how many ways she crossed the line. I'm all for compromise and I will admit when I am wrong…but my Babe went too far.

We will have to have a discussion soon about my omission and why I felt the need to keep that part of my past from her. We'll also have to have a discussion about the fantasies Steph has and what I am willing to do to see that I can meet her expectations. As it stands, I believe in the last hour and a half I have succeeded in ruining her enough for _three men_.

I'd ask her to be sure, but that will have to wait until she regains consciousness.


	7. Goin' to the Chapel

**Goin' to the Chapel**

By Magdalync

A/N: Thanks to my wonderful beta and friend, Alf. You keep me motivated, inspired, and you also keep me from making a grammatical fool of myself! Without further ado, here is the final chapter of Bat Wedding.

* * *

June 2009

Stephanie's POV

My ass was numb. I had been sitting in my cubicle at RangeMan waiting for a search program to complete its current query and doodling on the previous report I had just finished high-lighting for Ranger. I had doodled little wedding bells and tiny little 'RM + SP's inside bubbly little hearts around the border of the top page. I had also scrawled 'Stephanie Michelle Manoso' with a flourish several times at the bottom of the last page. Ranger would make me white it all out or worse, reprint it altogether when he returned it to me but I loved to jerk his chain. I knew no matter how much he acted like my antics irritated him; my juvenile shenanigans would make him smile.

My desk phone beeped indicating I was receiving an internal call. Looking at which light was flashing, I determined it was Lester who was on garage monitor duty this shift.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself, Beautiful. I've got a nice big surprise down here in the garage for you."

I mentally rolled my eyes. "If it's in your pants, I'm not interested."

"Come on, baby, don't be that way. I'm serious. There's a big delivery truck down here and the driver is asking for a 'Miss Plum' to come accept the delivery. I checked out the truck and its contents and all appears to be safe and in proper order. I think it's a surprise from Ranger."

"Well then call down some of the guys to help you unload it and deliver it to the seventh floor."

Duh!

"Well I could, but I think this is something you have to see for yourself."

I started scribbling little kissy lips on page two. "You can't give me a clue?"

Lester seemed to be giving that some thought. I was about to hang up on him when he said, "You know what? Never mind. I'll just tell the guy to return the retail sized delivery of TastyKakes to the manufacturer."

I did hang up then and was cursing my damn program for running so slow. I couldn't leave my computer logged in and running a search program unattended. Come on, come on…ninety-seven percent complete. I was tapping my foot, swiveling back and forth in my chair. Ninety-nine…done! I logged off faster than Bob can hork up a shoe and took off out of my cubicle knocking over my chair upon dismount.

I ran down the aisle between cubicles jumping over a box of printer paper outside Manny's cubby with the athleticism of O.J. Simpson jumping over luggage in a Hertz commercial.

I skidded to a stop at the elevator and was a little peeved when I saw that it was down on the first floor. I'm really not a stair person but I could just hear those little sugary confections calling my name. After a moment of indecision, I took off for the stairwell unmindful of the incredulous stares of the various RangeMen. I slammed the door open and mostly ignored the plaster I dislodged when the door came into contact with the wall behind it. Not my fault; doorstop must be faulty.

I took the steps in twos and threes. Between the third and second floor, I fell and took half the flight down on my ass. I said to no one, "I'm alright!" I bounced back up and skittered down the stairs, hanging onto the railing this time.

Lester wouldn't nibble on my TastyKakes, would he?

Once I came to the exit door to the garage, I slammed _that_ door open and almost collided with a refrigerator truck backed up to the elevator near the door. The doors to the back of the truck were closed. I started to make my way around the rear of the truck and saw that Lester was talking to the unknown driver in the cab. Once Lester saw me, he straightened from the driver's side window and swiftly intercepted me at the back corner of the truck.

"Calm down, Beautiful. Why don't I open the door for you and you can see if you find anything to your liking?"

My heart was pounding a mile a minute and I was finding it difficult to catch my breath. I knew Ranger loved me, but to buy me an entire refrigerator truck full of TastyKakes, well, that depth of love was the stuff legends are made of.

Lester leaned forward and pulled the door open. All I saw at first were some nondescript Styrofoam freezer cartons with no label. They were nearly blocking the entrance of the cargo area. From behind me, Lester said, "Climb in. This stuff is for another delivery. Your stuff is behind it."

He helped boost me into the back of the truck with minimal ass grabbing. I'd smack him but I was in a zone. More specifically, I was in a refined sugar zone which is much more focused than my shoe sale zone and in some ways more instinctive than my sex zone.

It was dark and I was slightly suspicious because I couldn't smell any saturated fats. I heard a soft movement from my left. I jerked my head in that direction, confused when I saw Hal hunched behind one of the large boxes. I saw his arm make some subtle movement and the next thing I knew; I heard and felt the 'zzzzzzzpt' and it was lights out for Stephanie.

* * *

Ranger's POV

Good Christ, I hate off-site meetings. Some people consider me a control freak, but there is something to be said about home field advantage. I'm good in the boardroom.

I glanced at the clock on my dash and saw that it was nearly noon. I was hoping when I returned to the office that I could entice Steph up to the seventh floor for lunch...and perhaps some _dessert_. The kind of dessert only _I_ can provide. I had since killed off fantasy Lester (don't worry, he had an honorable death) and had rendered fantasy Xander a eunuch. (Not so honorable, but I sincerely enjoyed it).

Just as I was changing gears, my pager vibrated on my hip. I unhooked it from my belt and glanced at the display: it was the 'Stephanie 911' code. Shit.

I felt a jolt of ice through my veins and a vicious cramp in my gut, but just as quickly I banked it. It would do Stephanie no good if I couldn't focus on the goal.

I blindly grabbed my cell phone off my hip and hit speed dial two before tossing the phone on the passenger seat. I then tapped the button on the blue tooth ear piece already in my ear and waited two rings for Tank to pick up. Two fucking rings are unacceptable.

I heard Tank pick up and before he could say anything, I barked out, "Report!"

"Bossman, Bombshell went off the grid about two minutes ago-"

"What was her last location?" I tried to keep the panic from my voice but I wasn't sure I was entirely successful.

"Near the private airstrip," Tank said quietly.

Fuck. I knew that if her kidnapper got my Babe on a plane, the chances of finding her quickly, let alone alive, shrunk exponentially. I couldn't think about that. I had to get to her. I slammed on my breaks and reversed direction towards the private airstrip. I didn't need directions; RangeMan had two planes in the hangers there.

"Call the airstrip now, tell them who you are and who you work for. Let them know there's a possible kidnapping in progress. _Encourage_ them to not clear any planes for takeoff. What's your location, Tank?"

"I'm leaving Haywood now. I'll be there in twenty."

"Where's Brown?"

"About ten miles east of the airport. He'll get there before I do."

I ended the call and tried to block out my rage and fear, only allowing myself to focus on the road ahead of me and my goal to find my Babe.

* * *

_Meanwhile at the airstrip…_

Tank's POV

I folded my phone shut and smiled at Lester.

Lester looked back at me nervously. "What the fuck did he say?"

"The usual orders. He seems controlled but I know he's got to be shittin' himself."

Xander hopped out of the back of the refrigerator truck shaking his head doubtfully as he approached Lester and me. "Dude, I don't know about this. I know he's punk'd each of you at one time or another, but even _I_ think this is way over the line."

Bobby jogged over to us from where he had been quietly conversing with the pilot. Clearly having overheard the direction of our conversation, he said, "Man, Ranger sent me to Burma in '99.

Lester folder his arms across his chest and added grimly, "Uzbekistan, 2001."

Xander swung his head to me. I kicked at some gravel at my feet and without meeting his eyes, I muttered, "Fargo, North Dakota, 2003."

Xander said, "Well, that's not so bad."

Bobby barked out a laugh and said, "Ask Pierre what he was wearing!"

I cut my eyes to Brown and gave him my best bowel shaking glare.

Xander shut his trap after that.

I turned back to Xander and said, "Look, I don't like the way we had to play this any better than you. But this is Ranger we're talking about. The Holy Grail for Bombshell is TastyKakes."

Lester nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and everybody knows that Ranger's only weakness is Steph."

Xander looked torn. "Couldn't you guys come up with anything else?"

Tank looked at Xander incredulously and said, "We can't just tell him there's a refrigerator truck in the RangeMan garage full of twigs and bark and expect he'll come running, hell bent for leather, and dive into the truck like Bombshell."

Bobby snickered and said, "He might."

* * *

Ranger's POV

Fifteen minutes later I pulled up to the airstrip gates and flashed my I.D. to the attendant. I wanted to just whip the Turbo around the area like Mario Andretti, searching in a blind panic for Stephanie and possibly mowing down the fucker who had her, but I held myself in check and parked. After stepping out of my car I put on a vest, double checked my weapon, slammed the door shut, beeped it locked and scanned my surroundings.

The airstrip seemed strangely quiet for midday. I glanced to my left towards the hangers and noticed that most of them were closed. I could see mechanics working on the planes of the hangers that had been left open. I glanced toward the runway and felt my heart lurch in my chest.

There was a refrigerator truck parked perpendicularly to _my plane_. Near the back of the truck I could make out the dark shapes of several men. I pulled my Glock out, and took off at a dead run.

As I got closer I thought it odd that none of the men at the back of the truck seemed all that concerned that an enraged man in black was running maniacally toward them. When I got about 100 yards away, I realized why. They were my men.

From what I could see, the men looked solemn and would not meet my eyes. Tank must have seen something in my face because he broke away from the group and jogged towards me.

He intercepted me grabbing me by both shoulders.

"Chill, man. She's fine. She's still in the back of the truck but she's a little out of it."

I broke away from Tank's hold and jogged over to the truck while shoving my Glock into its holster. Once I was a few feet from the open doors of the truck, I shoved Bobby and Lester to the side and climbed up. I had just climbed in when I saw her. My poor Babe. I caught my breath for a second as I took in her unconscious form. How does this keep happening to her? How could I ever hope to keep her safe? How-

Zzzzzzzzzpt!

* * *

Stephanie's POV

God, I feel like crap. Why am I taking a nap? Why am I questioning taking a nap? Holy Cannoli, my head hurts. Better to go back to sleep. Not working. What's that incessant whining noise? I hesitantly opened one eye. What the hell? I'm on a plane. A private plane. A very nicely appointed private plane. I looked across from me and saw something strange. Joe Morelli was smirking at me. What the hell?

I felt a tug on my left wrist and then a warm hand cupped my cheek and turned my head to the side. _Ranger_.

"Babe," he said in a low voice, "Are you okay?" His eyes searched mine and I saw such tenderness, it took my breath away.

I tried to turn my body towards him but found that my ankles were somehow tethered to the base of the seat. I muttered, "Well this isn't very safe. What if the plane goes down?"

Ranger ignored my comment and chose instead to glare at Joe. "Alright, Morelli, she's awake. Now talk."

I watched as Joe stood from his seat across from us, keeping his eyes locked on Ranger warily.

Joe said, "I'll have Lester untie your ankles if you promise not to do anything violent."

Lester's here?

Still glaring at Joe, Ranger said, "Yes, Babe, Lester's here. You want me to call him up here so you can say your goodbyes? He'll be dead before we land."

From behind us, a disembodied voice said, "Hey man, don't be that way. It's just a harmless little prank."

After that, we heard Xander say, "It's for the greater good. And if you're going to ship me somewhere, could we keep it within the 48 contiguous states?"

Ranger ignored both of their comments and continued to glare at Joe. "Untie us Joe. I promise to behave appropriately."

Joe stood there, hands on hips and actually smirked at Ranger. "Manoso, I'm a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them. I _asked _you if you would promise not to be violent."

Ranger said nothing, just continued his unblinking stare. I heard Ranger let out a small sigh before he said, "Fine. At least untie Stephanie."

What? Was Ranger implying that I wouldn't be a threat to Joe's safety and well being? Maybe I knew some moves. Maybe having watched the Matrix seven times would pay off. Maybe if I stood up and jerked Ranger forward by our conjoined wrists and slammed him into Morelli-

"Babe."

I looked over at Ranger and could see his lips turned up in the beginnings of a smile and _he,_ in turn, was looking at Joe. I turned to look at Joe and saw that he was smirking back at Ranger. Shit. Must have said my diabolical plan out loud.

Joe moved forward warily and stepped to the side of me furthest from Ranger. He took a minute to untie the bungee cords he had used and then stepped back quickly and resumed his seat across from us.

He rubbed his hands nervously on the ends of the arm rests and looked bravely back at Ranger. Neither man said a word for a few minutes. Finally, Ranger broke the silence.

"Explain."

Joe rubbed the back of his neck and looked absently out the window to his left. He let out a long gust of breath and said, "I'm in love with Sasha."

Ranger had no outward reaction to that statement. He took in the information for a moment then said, "And this has driven you to assault and kidnap two people and cross state lines because…"

From behind us, I heard Lester say, "We're going to Vegas, baby!"

Joe craned his head around Ranger's seat and leveled Lester with a 'shut the fuck up' look. He settled back in his seat again and looked earnestly back at Ranger. "Look Carlos, may I call you Carlos?"

"No."

Joe narrowed his eyes at Ranger and continued. "I need you listen to me…as a man. Not as a mercenary or as an enraged fiancé, but as a man."

Ranger drummed his fingers on the arm rests while taking Joe's measure. I caught his right hand with my left and gave it a gentle squeeze before threading my fingers through his.

Ranger said, "Talk."

Joe straightened in his seat clasping the armrests firmly and met Ranger's eyes straight on. "I want to marry Sasha."

"And?"

"She says she doesn't want to marry me unless she is sure I am completely over Stephanie."

I felt Ranger tense slightly before he said, "Does she have any reason to believe you are not completely over Stephanie?"

"No!" Joe glanced at me and said, "Nothing personal, Steph, but I'm kinda glad we broke up, because if we hadn't, I never would have met Sasha. I get it now. What you and I had was great-for the most part- but what I feel for Sasha just blows the three years we were together out of the water."

Uh, thanks?

Ranger interjected, "Good to know. Care to explain what that has to do with the felony you're currently perpetrating?"

Joe got a soft look on his face and actually smiled. He smiled! Rat bastard. He looked back at Ranger and said, "Look. The way I see it, I need to make a 'grand gesture' in order to prove my love and devotion to Sasha. Chicks dig grand gestures." Joe actually used air quotes when has said the words 'grand gesture'. Idiot.

I cut in, "You never gave _me_ a grand gesture!"

Joe had the decency to look sheepishly at me and said, "I did buy you that cushy toilet seat when you complained that my old one was too cold in the winter."

I glared at him.

Joe continued, "And I bought you that nice Rotodent electric toothbrush for absolutely no reason."

"You used my old one on Bob without asking. You wouldn't even confess until I showed you the teeth marks!"

Joe looked contritely down at his feet. "Anyway, I figured what better way to prove that I am over Stephanie but to, uh, _encourage_ you guys to get married before October."

"Encourage?" I interjected. "You had me locked up in a refrigerator truck!"

Joe chuckled at that. "I thought it was fitting. Symbolic, even. I mean, considering the way Manoso proposed-"

"How the hell do you know about that?" I yelled.

If I hadn't been watching Joe so carefully, I may not have noticed his eyes shift momentarily to Lester. _Lester_. I shouldn't have let him be my fantasy extra. It should have been Brett. He's so pretty. Or Binky. Mmmmm Binky. Or-

"You could lose your job over this, Morelli," said Ranger, interrupting my lustful thoughts.

Joe looked up and blanched. He swallowed once, twice and then said on a rumble, "I know."

Shit. I know it sounds twisted, but my respect for Morelli just went up about ten notches. He was standing up to Ranger, breaking all kinds of laws and going to the ends of the earth to prove his love for Sasha. Choked me up a little.

I felt Ranger squeeze my hand gently. Then he said, "I appreciate the fact that it is sometimes necessary to bend the law in order to accomplish what you feel is morally right. I also appreciate the fact that love can make a man act a bit out of character."

I snorted at that. I wasn't thinking about Joe when I snorted. "You mean act like an idiot?"

Ranger hiked up a brow at me. I saw his brow hike and raised him two.

Ranger shook his head once and turned back to Morelli. He was quiet for a moment, assessing Joe. I knew Ranger was analyzing the situation, sifting through what Joe had to say and lining it up with his own agenda. What he said next didn't surprise me at all. "If Stephanie and I agree to go along with this plan, there will be a price. And you _will_ pay it."

Joe bit out, "What? You poached _the hell_ out of my girlfriend. You broke four of my ribs and my left wrist. I think that makes us even."

Ranger said, "You broke three of my ribs in return. I concede to the poaching but as you just said, I did you a favor. Stephanie wasn't the one for you."

Hey! I'm sitting right here! Did him a favor? I'll show him a favor!

Ranger turned to me and said, "Babe?"

"Nothing." Humph.

Joe studied Ranger carefully and said begrudgingly, "Name your price."

Ranger made a show of pretending to think about it, even going as far as tapping his index finger to his lips. The effect was somewhat lost since my cuffed hand was suspended in the air next to his face. "Let's see. You staged an abduction which led me to believe Stephanie's life was in danger. You had both of us tasered. Then you kidnapped us and crossed state lines, which makes it a federal offense. Hmmm. I think, in this case, we'll have to leave the price open ended. A blank check, if you will."

Damn, he's good.

Joe looked a little green around the gills. He actually pulled his collar away from his neck even though he was wearing a loose fitting Henley. He was looking at the floor and muttering unintelligibly.

"Do we have a deal?" Ranger asked.

"Dude, what are we talking? I mean, am I going to have to take your mother to mass every Sunday for the next year? Play Joseph in St. Catherine's live nativity next Christmas?"

Ranger chuckled and said, "No. But I like the way you think. Sounds like excellent suggestions for Lester and Xander. Thank you."

From behind us I heard two moans.

Ranger straightened slightly and said, "I'm in a business where I often need favors. One day, I'm going to call you. You _will_ handle my favor, no questions asked. It could be a month from now, or it could be five years from now."

"Fuck."

"Price you have to pay when you play with the big boys," Ranger said succinctly.

Joe said, "Look, it can't be anything illegal. I'm a cop, for Christ sakes."

Ranger raised his brows and looked innocently around the cabin. "You mean, no more illegal than you're doing now?"

I knew Ranger would never ask Joe to do anything that was morally wrong or would risk his job, but I also knew that Ranger wouldn't allay Joe's concerns. That was a part of the price.

Ranger said, "Do we have a deal?"

Joe said nothing, just nodded once.

Ranger cleared his throat and said, "I'm satisfied with the arrangement, but it's not up to me. It's up to Stephanie."

What?

Ranger turned back to me and said, "Babe, I would have married you months ago if you had wanted to. I'll wait until October if that's what you'd prefer. I just want to marry you. I don't care how or when it happens, just as long as it does."

Had Ranger just given me warm fuzzies in front of Joe? I looked back at Joe and saw that he was calmly watching us with detached interest. Not an ounce of jealousy was showing on his face. I looked back at Ranger and said, "Aren't you worried about how this will make you look on the street? The big bad mercenary being tasered and abducted and then forced to marry against his will?

"Babe, no one on the streets is going to believe this shit."

Joe looked a little stricken at that. Ranger turned to him and said, "Believe me, no matter how this turns out, I'll let Sasha know exactly what you perpetrated to prove yourself to her."

Joe seemed slightly appeased.

"Babe, are you considering this?"

"Um…well, it does seem a little unorthodox. But considering our history..."

Ranger gave me a soft smile and pulled my cuffed hand up to his face so that he could kiss my palm. He spared a glance at the cuffs and let out a soft chuckle at the irony.

He took a deep breath and said, "What about your parents? They had big plans for the wedding in October."

I didn't even have to think about it. "Ranger, we're not getting married to have a wedding. We're not getting married to please our parents, or your parents or our friends or even the 'Burg. We're getting married because we want to spend our lives together, on our terms. These may not have been any terms I would have come up with, but you have to admit, it will make a great story to tell our kids."

"I thought you didn't want kids."

"I'm just saying."

"You want me to impregnate you with my bat spawn?"

Joe let out a theatrical gagging noise.

I leaned close to Ranger, brushed a kiss to kiss ear and then whispered, "Someday."

* * *

**Epilogue**

Steph's POV

I woke up the next morning with a horrendous headache and my mouth felt as if Rex had spent the night in it, wood shavings and all. With my eyes still closed, I took a moment to take in my surroundings. The room was cool and the sheets felt like silk. A warm muscular body was curved at my back and once I opened an eye, I confirmed that a mocha latte arm was curved around my waist. I opened both eyes and followed the length of the arm visually, only stopping when I saw the platinum band on his left ring finger. It really happened. Batman is mine.

I heard something stir from the floor beside the bed so I opened both eyes and peered over the edge. Huh. Lester and Xander were on the floor wrapped in the bedspread from the bed and…spooning!

Okay, I could do this. I know we were sober when we got married. It was the 'celebration' afterward that was a bit of a blur.

I had been vying for the 'intergalactic' wedding that one chapel offered but was disappointed to find out that the chapel knew nothing about princesses. Who the hell would want a Star Trek wedding? Seriously?

I remember Lester and Xander lobbying for a mobster style wedding. I actually thought it might be kind of hot. Ranger and Joe quickly squashed that idea.

Oh God. It was coming back to me. There was velvet. Lots of black velvet. Satin, sequins and side burns flashed through my brain like some macabre slide show. And suddenly the slide show came with audio.

"_Do you, Stephanie Michelle Plum, take this man, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, to be your lawfully wedded hunka hunk of burnin' love? Do you promise to love him tender, love him true, in good times and in bad, forsaking all others for all the days of your life?"_

"_I do."_

"_Thank you. Thankyouverymuch."_

Oh God. No wonder we drank until dawn.

I felt nature's call and slithered carefully from the bed being mindful not to step on the entwined bodies of Lester and Xander. I had to stifle a laugh. All kidding aside, I knew the boys were straight, but still…

I made a mental note to grab my camera phone on the way back from the bathroom.

As I returned from the bathroom, I quietly took several shots of the boys from many angles. Being with Ranger has taught me the value of having insurance.

I smiled down at the boys for a moment and let my mind wander. I remember earlier at the wedding, Joe pulling the minister aside for a moment at the end of the ceremony and whispering something in his ear. He had requested that Elvis serenade us. The song he chose for us: "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You".

I remember doing tequila shots and the boys attempting to hook up with a couple of showgirls. I also remember dirty dancing with Lester and Xander and looking over at our table and seeing Ranger and Joe sharing a toast. It was then that I knew that the path the lead us all here to this moment was the right one.

Snapping out of my reverie, I remembered that Joe was with us. Where the hell was Joe? I looked around the suite and didn't see him. I had a thought. No. He couldn't be. I stepped closer to the bed and it was then that I noticed that around Ranger's mocha latte waist was a familiar slightly hairy and swarthy arm. Dear God, I hope we didn't consummate last night…with an audience…or assistance!

I glanced down at myself and remembered I was still fully clothed in some garish and small spandex confection that would make Lula green with envy. I also remembered from my trip to the bathroom that my panties were in place. Thank God.

With my fears allayed, I took aim and snapped several incriminating pictures of Joe spooning Ranger. Probably, I would never use the photos as leverage with Ranger. But Joe…well Joe was going to be part of the family soon. I could use _this_ insurance policy for years to come.

I climbed back in bed and snuggled my backside up against Ranger's toasty front. I easily ignored Joe's knuckles digging into my back. In fact, I pressed my back more firmly into Ranger in order to keep Joe 'pinned' into place. Lester and Xander's devious streak must be rubbing off on me.

Half asleep, Ranger murmured "Babe," and ground his morning erection into my behind. Clearly, he was unaware we had 'company'. I pushed my bottom back into him in order to force him into Joe, hoping he would get the picture.

In a sleep graveled voice, Ranger said, "Who the fuck is behind me?"

I smiled to myself and whispered, "Joe."

I expected Ranger leap from the bed, do a quick 'cooties' dance, break Joe's neck and ask questions later. Or at the very least, elbow him in the gut. He did neither. Instead he lay very still and nearly stopped breathing.

Confused, I said, "Aren't you going to move?"

He murmured in my ear, "Babe, he has morning wood. I could have lived my entire life without experiencing Morelli's morning wood up against my ass."

I chuckled. "Don't you think it's kind of sexy?"

"Stephanie, I have never been less turned on in my life."

From behind Ranger, Joe said in a croak, "I can't help it. It's a natural occurrence. It has nothing to do with you, Manoso."

Ranger ground out, "Then why are you still cuddled up to my ass?"

Joe said almost guiltily, "My head hurts too much to move, this bed is comfortable, and the room's cold. You're like a fucking furnace."

Ranger did elbow him in the gut then, but all he succeeded in doing was to get Joe to remove his arm from around his waist. Ranger growled, "If you don't get your dick off of my ass-"

Just then Lester and Xander's sleep tousled heads popped over the edge of the bed. Lester took in the tableau and said, "Are we consummating?"

Ranger shut his eyes tight and said through clenched teeth, "Morelli is the only one who seems up to the task."

Joe whined, "It's not _me_. It's my dick. Give me a break. I'm a healthy Italian male and its morning. I probably need to piss."

Joe rolled out of the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom. Ranger called out after him, "Why don't you brush your teeth while you're in there. Your breath could peel the paint off a barn."

Joe flipped Ranger off and promptly slammed the bathroom door behind him. I chuckled and turned to face Ranger. I said saucily, "Good morning, Mr. Manoso," as I tucked a leg between his thighs. Mmmm.

Ranger started kissing my neck and growled, "Good morning, Mrs. Manoso." He rolled on top of me and started kissing down to my collar bone. Just as his hand had started trailing across the low neckline of my slutty, slept in dress, I heard pointed throat clearing. We both stilled.

Xander said, "Not that we're complaining, but, uh, you know we're still here."

Lester added, "If you just give us a chance to brush our teeth, we'd be happy to help out in any way we can."

With his face still buried in my neck, Ranger said, "Get out."

Lester whined, "It's six o'clock in the morning!"

Ranger turned his head and glared at Lester. "I don't give a shit what time it is. I need to be alone with my wife."

_His wife_. In a million years I never would have believed the rush it would give me to hear Ranger refer to me as his wife.

Just then the bathroom door opened and a worn out and presumable minty-breathed Joe stepped out taking in the scene with a look of bemusement on his face.

Shaking his head, Joe climbed back into his 'side' of the bed. Ranger glared at him. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Joe yanked at his section of the blanket and turned his back to us. "I'm going back to sleep. If you must consummate, please try not to rock the bed too much, keep the moaning to a minimum and don't get any…_stuff_ on me."

Ranger dropped his forehead into my pillow and let out a sigh of defeat as he rolled off of me. In an authoritative voice he said, "The three of you are on your own getting back to Trenton." Then he added, "Babe, today is a very special day. Not only will we be consummating this union, but you'll be joining the mile high club at the same time."

Joe whined, "Do you mind? Some of us are trying to sleep."

Ranger curled his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Just then, the bed dipped to the left, and then to the right. Xander and Lester had climbed in on either side of me and Joe, leaving Ranger in the middle.

The room was dead silent for a moment. Then Ranger said, "What. The. Fuck."

Lester wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "The floor is hard and Xander smells like a gym sock."

Xander growled, "Your momma smells like a gym sock."

Lester's arms released me instantly and he launched himself over three bodies to get to Xander. Lester's forward momentum caused them to roll off the bed taking a lamp and the bedside phone with them. They then proceeded to wrestle across the floor of the suite, somehow entwining themselves in miles of phone cord.

After watching them a moment, Ranger turned back to me with a blank face. "Still want kids?"

OoOoOo

The End!


End file.
